Change

Change.

It isn't something that I normally am okay with. It often causes me to break down, lose focus and become completely overwhelmed. Lately my life has been filled with change.

A change in our family. Life has a way of getting completely out of control. It seems as if it can go in a completely different direction than ever planned. It takes a sharp left turn when you told it to stay straight. Bill and I filed for divorce in June. I never ever thought that change would happen to me. I never thought I would enter the dating world again. I never thought that I would be a statistic in marriage. But I am; we are.

A change for our kids. Addie and Evie are splitting their time between Billy and my houses. They seem to be adjusting well and often will tell us who they want to be with. The first few weeks were hard, probably more so on Bill and I, but the girls acted out and would cry at the drop off times. We have gotten on a consistent schedule now and they like knowing where they are going to be. Addie started school and that has helped to ease her changes.

A change in my job. I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a stay at home mom over the past four years. Unfortunately, that has changed and I am currently getting back into the workforce. I struggle with the idea that I am not able to give Evie the same time with me as Addison was able to have but I know that my baby girls are in good hands and that it is my turn to provide for them when they are with me. It has brought on a void in all three of our hearts and I often get phone calls in the morning of Addie telling me she needs me. We are adjusting slowly and soon (next year!) both girls will be in school, which will ease the change.

A change in new relationships. After our split I met an amazing man. I wasn't expecting to start dating so quickly but I am a firm believer that God placed him in my life when He did for a reason. Although the adjustment to being in the dating world again didn't last long, learning to adjust to someones needs and preferences again has had it's challenges. Throw in kids, jobs, conflicting schedules and ex's and it makes dating even more interesting! But, I am happy and I enjoy his company. My parents had the opportunity to meet him in October and could see how happy he makes me; I think they are warming up to the idea of these changes.

A change for our parents. I am so fortunate to have a mom and dad that I can go to about anything. Although the phone call to tell my parents I was getting a divorce was the hardest phone call I have ever made (honestly, harder than telling them I had cancer) they accepted our decision. My parents were aware of the struggles in Bill and my relationship and although this isn't the path they would have chosen for either us or the kids they understand that it may be the best decision. Over the past few months my parents have been my support and my shoulder to cry on. This change isn't easy for them. They worry about their grandchildren, their daughter and even their ex-son-in-law. I appreciate the way in which they have handled this very difficult decision.

So change has taken over my world these last few months. Whether good changes or not I believe that God doesn't give us more than we can carry. Hopefully He knows my hands are full and I just can't handle anymore change, not for a while.

Today I learned what it means to be thankful

It seems as if every time I enter the Cancer Center I leave with a new milestone. A new understanding of how lucky I am my journey was on a path leading to health. Today was no different. Today I had a scan, I had an appointment and I left with a new milestone. I left with a milestone that all cancer patients hope to reach. A milestone in a journey I wish no one after me would ever have to walk down. Today I left the Cancer Center a cured woman.

As I write this post I find it ironic that God placed my 5 year cancer anniversary the day before Thanksgiving. With all the things we take for granted God reminded me today that I really do have so much to be thankful for.

First and foremost I am so thankful for a family who supported me in my journey. My mom who took off numerous days away from work to be by my side. A mom who stayed strong. A mom who supported my husband.A mom who let me cry, made me laugh and reminded me of all I have to live for. My dad. He was the first to hear my news. He was the rock who helped my mom in the struggles. He was our logic in a rather emotional time. My husband. Wow, what a journey we embarked on. After only 15 days of being engaged we were told that I had cancer. He changed jobs, missed social events, gave up normalcy and supported me. He was my main caregiver. I've come to learn over the past 5 years how hard it is to be a caregiver; I am thankful he stayed to be mine.

Next I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law. Although they were living in England they were present in my survival story. My brother shaved his head and my sister in law sent cards weekly. They became the one thing I looked forward too. They checked in and stayed active in my journey.

I am also thankful for all the people behind the scenes. My nurse Kate. Without her I am not sure that I would have made it through this! She let me cry, reminded me it would all be over soon and found ways to make me comfortable. My doctor, Dr. Harold Londer. I was blessed with one of the best oncology doctors in all of Minnesota. He was informative, honest and tough. He told me that he would kill my cancer and he did. He was an amazing doctor and I feel fortunate to now call both him and Kate friends. Deb, the front desk receptionist. She cried with me and for me. She made me eat, called to check in and helped Billy with the struggle of a "sick fiance". She is an amazing woman with a heart so full of love. I am lucky to also call her friend.

I am so thankful for my beautiful girls. Addie and Evie are the reasons I draw breath. They are my life. I cannot imagine them not being here and I am so thankful God decided that he would allow me the privilege of having children. They don't yet know about my journey but I hope that when I explain it to them they are proud of their mommy and daddy.

I am so thankful. I can't explain the overwhelming feeling. I can't explain why I cried today. I can't explain the rush that went through my body when Dr. Londer said, "Well, your cured now". It was like this right of passage; a graduation if you will. Like the moment you go from a single person to a married person with a few simple words.

So here I am. Eight hours later. The same woman. A mother of two, wife of one, daughter of amazing parents and sister of an Air Force pilot. Nothing has changed; except it has. It has changed immensely. I no longer have to tell people I am in remission. That scary word that feels like the unkowen. The purgatory of cancer, if you will. I made it to the other side. I realize how lucky and I am. And for that, I am thankful.