I started reading this book last night called "Beautiful Boy" and it triggered something in me. It's about a family whose oldest son, Nic, is addicted to Meth and how it wrecks havoc on this family. It made me start thinking about life and how all the decisions we make are truly not just our own. I remember saying so many times to my parents that, "it's my life" and while that is true my decisions and actions still affect those around me who love and support me.
It was my decision to go to college and major in something that my parents knew I wasn't ready for. Pharmacy was a dream and I would have been good at it but let's get real here. Science and Math. Anyone who knows me knows that these two subjects ruined my GPA in high school. I am more of a English/Journalism type girl. My strengths lay in my ability to express myself through creative means not through "just believe me, the world is full of atoms" means. No matter how many times my parents tried to discretely ask me if I was sure about Pharmacy, I was going to do it. After I dropped out of school it affected my parents. My mom was worried about how depressed I had become while away. It affected their wallet when I lost the $3,500 they put into that semester of my education. A decision that they were supporting hurt them and while I've probably never really told them this, I felt worse for letting them down, hurting them and throwing away my college education.
Then there was the decision to move to Duluth. It was something that I think I had to do to prove to my parents they made the "worst decision ever" when they took me away from everything I knew, at age 8. I mean, really? Off to Duluth I went, job in hand but no money. By no money I mean I had $1,000+ in credit card debt and $50 bucks in my wallet! I worked hard, built a clientele and made good money for a 20 year old. I also spent good money for a 20 year old. I was constantly trying to figure out how I was going to pay all my bills without telling mom and dad that I was flat out broke. Things weren't adding up, even with a second job, so I finally came clean and moved home. Mom and dad had to co-sign on a loan for me that took me 5 years to pay off (just this Feb.) so that I could repair everything I ruined.
Now my decisions affect someone so much more important to the world then me, my children. Every decision I make directly or indirectly affects Addison and soon Evie. It actually puts a lot of pressure on me. I lose sleep over things I did or didn't do. I often question if I am doing the right thing, enough or too much. I wonder if it's my fault Addison isn't talking yet or what I did for her to have that constant diaper rash. Is my decision to not feed her only organic food or to let her try things on her own right or wrong. No matter who you ask they have a different opinion on whats good or bad, right or wrong or detrimental to children's health. It's a constant battle that I fight every day. I often ask Billy, "do you think she loves me?" and he often looks at me like I'm a fool and says, "um, yeah".
My personal decisions affect Addie more then what she's going to eat. I've thrown around working and not working. I've tried going to work only to think about her all day and wonder what she's doing, eating, playing, ect. I cry when she cries at drop-off and smile when she smiles at pick up but all day I long to be with her. When I'm at home I wonder if I should be working. I wonder if she is getting enough social interaction, alone time or learning. I wonder if the little income I did make while working was worth the time away because it made things a little easier. I wonder if I would make friends faster, be happier or feel like I was "worth" something. It seems as if whatever decisions I make that I know affect her are hard ones. I'll always question.
Life is full of decisions both hard and easy. I've made a lot of decisions along the way that have both positively and negatively affected my life but more importantly it's affected those who I love. I apologize to anyone I have hurt along the way with my decisions. It was not intentional or planned out. See, I've had other peoples decisions affect me too and I know it can hurt. I also know that hurting, loving and making hard decisions makes us grow as people. It's important. So I guess I'll keep losing sleep over why my 14 month old says one word and bangs her head on the bed rail when she's mad and keep making the decisions I am. After all, she's a pretty great girl.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Stay on track...
Thoughts for the day:
I know it's been a while. It's been hard for me to take a topic and actually stick on the subject lately. There is just so many different things going on right now in the world and I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. I blame a lot of it on being pregnant but after doing some research I've learned that there is no connection between forgetfulness and pregnancy. (That study must have been done by a man!)
It's been a long week. We are trying to get out of our lease in Mason City so our landlord is "trying" to sell it. Our neighbors are constantly causing trouble and our rent is way to much money. I love our house but I wish we would have looked a little longer when we first moved here. We felt like we were under such pressure to find a place to live and get moved in a week. Why, I'm not sure, but it's true. Anyway, we've been cleaning this house and trying to keep it that way with a 1 year old who likes to undo everything we redo. We've been up late into the night, well past 9:00, cleaning and organizing our stuff. Today is the last day of cleaning before the next big open house on Saturday and I'm praying (and would appreciate if you would too) that someone walks in here and falls in love with the place so I don't have to pay my greedy landlord another penny!
Besides that sleep has been a thing of the past lately. Okay, I'll admit that we've have it super easy with Addison. The girl started sleeping 6 hours at a time at 4 days old. Her first day home I woke her up every 3 hours to eat because the nurse told me I should! After I told my mom and she told me to let her sleep and see what happens. Well, my life then consisted of a full nights sleep. Lately, that isn't happening. I am not sure if it's that she realized she's in a big girl bed all of a sudden, if she is getting hungry in the middle of the night or if she is having night terrors. She wakes up screaming this bloody murder scared scream that literally shakes me to the bone. Normally she wants Billy to cuddle her and then she ends up falling asleep in our bed. Normally I'd be okay with this but I'm 6 months pregnant and have heartburn that is burning through my esophagus. When I do actually fall asleep it isn't the best sleep I've ever had.
Well, last night was no different. After tossing and turning while trying to sleep laying down I propped myself up with 9 pillows got comfy and tried to sleep sitting up. I watched 2 movies and a couple Real Housewives of New Jersey episodes (like mother like daughter, right) and was just starting to fall asleep when the whaling started from Addison's room. I woke up Billy and he went in there, picked her up and brought her into our room. She laid her head on my belly and Evie started kicking! It was an amazing moment, like Evie knew Addie was there with us, but I was so tired and all I wanted was some sleep! Finally, Addie and I both fell asleep (Bill never really "woke-up") to only be woken up 2 hours later by Billy's phone!! Needless to say, I'm tried.
I feel like this is God's way of preparing me for having two children. I've decided that I need to get used to having someone wake me up every 2 hours and needing me to sit up, love them, feed them and cuddle them back to sleep. Something I never got to do with Addie. I'm strangely looking forward to spending this time with Evie and hope that it causes us to bond. I'm a little nervous that Evie won't have the same relationship with me that Addison does because she's second. She's going to have to compete for my time and energy. I look forward to those alone moments with her.
I know I can't stay on subject. I know I can't remember what I went upstairs for. And I know I can't get more then 2 hours of sleep at a time. I guess your just going to have to do your best to follow my amazing ramblings until this baby comes out. Maybe then I'll get my brain back or more likely, I won't have a brain at all!
I know it's been a while. It's been hard for me to take a topic and actually stick on the subject lately. There is just so many different things going on right now in the world and I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. I blame a lot of it on being pregnant but after doing some research I've learned that there is no connection between forgetfulness and pregnancy. (That study must have been done by a man!)
It's been a long week. We are trying to get out of our lease in Mason City so our landlord is "trying" to sell it. Our neighbors are constantly causing trouble and our rent is way to much money. I love our house but I wish we would have looked a little longer when we first moved here. We felt like we were under such pressure to find a place to live and get moved in a week. Why, I'm not sure, but it's true. Anyway, we've been cleaning this house and trying to keep it that way with a 1 year old who likes to undo everything we redo. We've been up late into the night, well past 9:00, cleaning and organizing our stuff. Today is the last day of cleaning before the next big open house on Saturday and I'm praying (and would appreciate if you would too) that someone walks in here and falls in love with the place so I don't have to pay my greedy landlord another penny!
Besides that sleep has been a thing of the past lately. Okay, I'll admit that we've have it super easy with Addison. The girl started sleeping 6 hours at a time at 4 days old. Her first day home I woke her up every 3 hours to eat because the nurse told me I should! After I told my mom and she told me to let her sleep and see what happens. Well, my life then consisted of a full nights sleep. Lately, that isn't happening. I am not sure if it's that she realized she's in a big girl bed all of a sudden, if she is getting hungry in the middle of the night or if she is having night terrors. She wakes up screaming this bloody murder scared scream that literally shakes me to the bone. Normally she wants Billy to cuddle her and then she ends up falling asleep in our bed. Normally I'd be okay with this but I'm 6 months pregnant and have heartburn that is burning through my esophagus. When I do actually fall asleep it isn't the best sleep I've ever had.
Well, last night was no different. After tossing and turning while trying to sleep laying down I propped myself up with 9 pillows got comfy and tried to sleep sitting up. I watched 2 movies and a couple Real Housewives of New Jersey episodes (like mother like daughter, right) and was just starting to fall asleep when the whaling started from Addison's room. I woke up Billy and he went in there, picked her up and brought her into our room. She laid her head on my belly and Evie started kicking! It was an amazing moment, like Evie knew Addie was there with us, but I was so tired and all I wanted was some sleep! Finally, Addie and I both fell asleep (Bill never really "woke-up") to only be woken up 2 hours later by Billy's phone!! Needless to say, I'm tried.
I feel like this is God's way of preparing me for having two children. I've decided that I need to get used to having someone wake me up every 2 hours and needing me to sit up, love them, feed them and cuddle them back to sleep. Something I never got to do with Addie. I'm strangely looking forward to spending this time with Evie and hope that it causes us to bond. I'm a little nervous that Evie won't have the same relationship with me that Addison does because she's second. She's going to have to compete for my time and energy. I look forward to those alone moments with her.
I know I can't stay on subject. I know I can't remember what I went upstairs for. And I know I can't get more then 2 hours of sleep at a time. I guess your just going to have to do your best to follow my amazing ramblings until this baby comes out. Maybe then I'll get my brain back or more likely, I won't have a brain at all!
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