It's okay to be angry.

Apparently I am not as good at updating this as I thought I would be but I'm going to give it a go again!



Update on the last five months:

We found out on Christmas Eve eve that we were pregnant. Not really surprised, being that we were trying, but it was still very exciting. Billy loves his job. It's going really well and they are starting the planting season now. I still don't quite get what he does but as long as he keeps going to work, that's okay. Addison has changed immensely. She is 13 months, walking, "talking" and running the household. I am at home with her full time and wouldn't change it, even though some days are really long. I am now 19 weeks pregnant and we find out next week what we are having. I can't decide if I think it's a boy or girl. My gut tells me girl but my heart tells me boy. Either way, I won't be disappointed.

Thoughts for Today:

It's probably not a real pleasant subject but I've recently just faced my first death of a child. My friends son died of SIDS and it's been the most real thing I have ever faced. It made me start questioning God and his purpose in our life. I've always believed that when we have fulfilled our purpose on earth God takes us to be with him. That everything happens for a reason. All the things I was taught as a child. But I was faced with the news last Tuesday that a 3 month old was taken from his parents. Of course I cried and mourned for Erin and Jeff. For what their families must be feeling because I cannot understand the pain this must cause. And then I started to get very angry. I started to wonder why.



What purpose could a 3 month old have fulfilled. I get that he brought love and life into a home but that couldn't be it, right? God couldn't have seen how proud Jeff was or how happy Erin was and thought it was his time to come home. I just am not sure I can believe that. So I consulted a friend of mine who is a strong Christian woman on my feelings. She reminded me that God doesn't need to give us a reason or justify what His plans are. He, after all, is God. She also reminded me it is okay to be angry. It's an emotion and God wants us to feel that way.



I don't know about you but I have a hard time being mad at God. Instead, often times I put my anger toward the person or thing that is upsetting me. It leads to a cold, hard heart and often times resentment. Those are not things God intended us to have, they are human emotions. Instead, God wants us to be mad at Him. He's okay with that. He wants us to feel real emotion with Him. He wants a personal relationship with Him and the only way we will ever have that is when we get in His face and ask the hard questions. Even Jesus, when being crucified asked his Father why are you forsaking me. It's okay to be mad as long as you trust God's plan.



I'll be honest, I think I needed the reality check this gave me. It reminded me that as a Christian I will never know all God's reasons. I'm not privileged to His plan in my life but I DO get to live it out and that is pretty amazing. It's been a really hard week dealing with the emotions of the death of a child. I keep praying that Jeff and Erin can somehow through this horrible time find the peace they are looking for. And I pray, as oddly as it sounds, that they get real with God and are mad.