I am a cancer survivor. I fought hard. I lost my hair, I lost my eyebrows, I lost a lot of friends. I gained weight and resentment. I feel resentment to the people my age who go to live their 20's like it's supposed to be. I resent that I had to fight for my life while my friends went to college, partied and flourished. I resent that people thank my husband for staying with me during such a terrible time like they think he should have left. I resent all the people who told me that "God doesn't give us more then we can handle" because I feel like this one time He did.
I thought the feeling of resentment would go away. But 3.5 years later it hasn't. In fact, it's grown into guilt, sadness and anger. I feel guilty that my husband and I will forever financially be in debt to family and hospitals for all the help we were given during my cancer. I feel guilty that my husband had to change job to take care of me. I feel guilty he didn't get to marry the woman he proposed to but rather the woman who emerged after cancer. Because she is NOT me. She is mad. She is cynical. She is socially awkward. She is angry. She is SO sad. She wants to be the pre-cancer version of herself. And here is the weirdest part. I feel guilty that I survived. And that I have two beautiful healthy baby girls. I feel guilty (although lucky) that I lived and someone else had to die.
I get angry some days. I have these scars. People still look, wonder and sometimes ask. I tell them cancer. They feel sorry for me. Then I get even more angry. I get angry that people feel like I owe them something. Like I chose to ruin their lives for those six months of chemo, like I asked them to give up their plans to comfort me as my bones hurt from the inside out. I want to yell and scream and tell them I didn't CHOOSE my sickness and they should just back off it.
Yet, in in all, I know I am SO lucky. I am SO blessed. I put on my happy face everyday. I love my children. I remember that if I wouldn't have made it my GIRLS wouldn't be here. It doesn't take away the resentment, the anger or the sadness but my momma always said, "fake it til ya make it".
