I've lost all control.

I need to be told it's okay.

I need to hear I'm not doing anything wrong.

I need to feel like I haven't lost all my patience.

I need to know I am not alone.

Addie is testing me.

She gives me dirty looks.

She hits me.

She hits her sister.

She screams.

She throws real big temper tantrums.

She stopped listening.

There are days I don't even want to be around her.

I'd rather put her in her room then play with her.

Her reluctance to be nice is ruining her time with her sister.

I've tried reasoning.

I've tried timeouts.

I've tried yelling.

I've even cried.

I refuse to spank--but it's crossed my mind.

I don't know what to do.

She is her father.

She is so stubborn.

She is me.

She is so clever.

I feel like I've lost control.

Lent: Spring Cleaning for my Soul

I love this time of year. Not March. Not the snow. Lent.

There is something about this season in the church that is remarkably real to me. It's a time of reflection. Spring cleaning for the soul. Every year the Lenten season brings me back to the things I need to change. The personal goals I need to set and reminding myself to trust in God a little bit more.

Lent reminds me that I can't be everything to everyone. That I need to give to myself so that I am able to give to my family. Adding Evie to the mix has only stretched out my gifts a little more. I find my breaking point is faster then ever and my temper seems to sneak out more than I am proud to admit. Addison is in a season of learning. Testing boundaries. Seeking independence. As a Christian mother I know that God is leading her. He is holding her hand and helping her through this journey yet I am not ready to let her grow. There are days where I want her to stop learning, stop growing and remain my little girl. During Lent it is my goal to trust that God knows where Addie's heart should go. So as she no longer wants to hold the hand that holds her back (mine) I need to remember that she is holding the hand of the Lord.

My goals for Lent this year are simple by words. Pray more. Listen better. Love Wholly.

By action I find these to, for some reason, be difficult tasks for me. I want to spend more time with God. I have decided that if I can find the time for blogging, facebook or sewing then I can find the time for God. To talk to Him. To tell Him my struggles and to thank Him for the good in my life. I've said before, when going through cancer, that I thought that just once God gave me more then I could handle and there are days I feel like he is testing that strength again. I need to trust in Him. Believe in Him. Get to know Him, again.

I want to listen better. Fully. Completely. To God. To my family. To my husband. I hear. I listen but I don't listen well. I am so preoccupied by the stuff in my life that I forget to listen. This became so clear to me when baby Evie was on the floor cooing. Addie kept asking me "what's that" and I just kept telling her I didn't know what she was asking me about. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Evie had rolled over. Evie had moved half way across the room while cooing and I didn't hear it. I wasn't paying attention to the little things. It makes me question how many times God has whispered my name, told me to listen or given instruction and I've not heard.

Lastly, to love wholly. My family is the single more important thing in this world. I cringe at the thought of losing my parents. The thought of them not being here someday makes me cry today. I will be ruined. A wreck. Heartbroken. Lost. They are my strength yet there are times I treat them like my enemy. I take them for granted. I want to love them wholly. I want them to know that I can't live without them. My husband. He is a great father and supporter. He has grown into a great man. Yet I fail to tell him this. I fail to point out all the things I love about him because I am too busy. So while our marriage works and we get by day to day we are not growing together in love. I want to give to him my whole heart each day. I want our love to show. My girls are amazing. They are the two people I can honestly say I wake up for each day and have already learned to love wholly. I hope that when they understand they know just how much I would do for them. I would give up everything for them to be happy. They are my world. Without them, I am nothing.

I love Lent. I love that it makes me rethink the things I am doing. It makes me find a peace within myself. It reminds me, if for one brief moment, even Jesus questioned his Father by asking, "Lord, why are you forsaking me?". And in those words I find comfort.

Leaving the cliques behind...

It's time I get this blog back to what it was going to be, my rants and raves! My kids are doing great...so they don't need too many updates!

I've lived in a small town now for about 9 months. I hated it for the first 3, thought it was okay for the next 2 and have grown to like the simpleness it has brought to our lives. Don't get me wrong, I hate that I have to drive 30 to 40 minutes to get to anything without paying triple for it, but it's nice not having all that right at my fingertips too.

It's funny how in small towns you don't just know everyone around you, you literally know everyone in the county. You can't be sick, yell at your kids or have a bad day without everyone knowing about it. It seems the rules are different too. Drinking and sex seem to be just normal behaviors. Parents throwing keggers, allowing kids to have parties. Boyfriends/Girlfriends sleeping over during the school week. Different.

I know that drinking and sex happen in high school. I know that the temptation is there. But where I grew up it wasn't so OPEN. I didn't ask my mom if Jordan (my high school boyfriend) could spend the night. I didn't ask them to buy me beer or cigarettes. Nope. Not once. Never. Ever.

Bill grew up in a small town. Smaller then the one we live in now. He used to joke that you couldn't fart without people knowing about it. It seems to be true. He used to say that even after high school it felt like the adults never grew out of the cliques, the gossiping and the "he said she said" crap. It's true. There are days it feels like high school; cliques are formed, friends are hard to make and everyone talks about everyone elses life. I hated that about high school. I, personally, hated high school. It was such an important part of my life at the time, such a changing point for a child at that age. The questions of "who am I" and "where do I belong" were often at the forefront of my day.

I look back now and although high school was so fun. And although I made some lifelong friends and learned how to win and lose fairly through volleyball it isn't something I'd chose to do again. I've grown out of the ways of being 17. Instead of having a problem with someone and telling everyone else, I want to work it out. Instead of dating I enjoy being married. Instead of wondering where the next party was, who the next fight would be with or if I'd get asked to Prom I enjoy having my core friends. Knowing that Molly, Monique, Brian, Tori, ect. would be there for me at the drop of a hat, wouldn't ever hurt me and accept me even with faults is comforting.

It's hard moving into a small town. It's hard getting involved. It's hard finding people and having them get to know you. And you don't dare make a mistake. I miss living by my friends, I miss leaving the cliques and insecurities of high school behind. I'm doing my best to find people I can trust, I can friend and I can let all that go. I know they're out there, it's just a matter of time.

Evie went to the Doctor!

Evie had an appointment yesterday. She surprised us all gaining almost THREE pounds in two months. She is 16lbs 2oz! I am so proud of her! The doctor actually laughed and told me that now we need to slow down weight gain! She gets to start on cereal and fruit so that should sustain her a little longer.

She passed her diabetes test but he wanted to double check her liver enzymes, thyroid and one other thing I can't seem to remember! They had to get a needle into those little veins and after 5 pokes and a lot of crying finally got some blood. My poor baby was a trooper. I am still waiting on the results, I should hear this morning and then I will update this.

Thank you to everyone who has kept her in their thoughts and prayers. I am so glad we were persistent on the weight and sweating.