Let God do the Judging

It's a touchy subject and even I'm not 100% where I stand but I think it's important to "air out" this subject, gay marriage. I read an article on kare11.com today about how the Catholic church is sending out an informational packet to all registered members of the Catholic church about marriage. A 12 minute DVD will be included titled, "One Man, One Woman-Marriage and the Common Good". This made me start thinking about my opinion on the subject again and whether or not I would actually watch the video when I receive it.

My personal preference is that marriage stay between a man and a woman, I think. I've read it in the Bible several times and I've heard about it in church. But who am I to judge? My mom's very best friend was married to a man for years, had three beautiful children and now has three gorgeous grandchildren. She knew there was always something "wrong" with her marriage. Later in life she realized that she was a lesbian and has since divorced her ex-husband and has had a commitment ceremony with her wife. I attended this service with my mom and nothing about it seemed wrong to me. I love this woman like she is my own mother. She has always been there for me and I don't and will never judge her on her sexual preference.

Who am I to say that she won't go to heaven? I don't think that gay and lesbians wake up one morning "deciding" their sexual preference. I have to assume this since there was never a day I woke up and decided that I was heterosexual. It wasn't a decision I made to fall for boys it was a feeling; a feeling that God placed on my heart. So who is to say that God hasn't created homosexuals hearts different then mine? Is the church really able to prove this? Is their some sort of science that proves a genetic difference? I just don't feel like it is my place to judge.

I attended a church when I was in my early twenties in Minneapolis. When I started attending this church I had no idea that they openly supported homosexuality. In fact, a good portion of their congregation was homosexual (which explained a lot to me once I learned this!). It was the first time in my young adulthood that I enjoyed going to a Catholic church. The message, music and acceptance was different at this church. I never felt judged and now I realize why. Most of these men and women were constantly being judged. They were judged for their lifestyle from people who didn't care to understand. In fact, the Catholic church judged and has since moved the priest who supported these people away from this church. It hurts to know that religious people can be so judgemental. Shouldn't the church be happy that they have people, whether homo or hetero-sexual, filling the church each week? I guess that isn't important.

I feel so conflicted over this subject. My heart tells me that it is okay for two people, whether same sex or not, who truly love each other to be in a committed "marriage" relationship. My head; the one that went to Catholic school, has UBER conservative in-laws and has read it in the Bible, tells me that it is wrong. Isn't love, love? I wish that this subject would get settled on both at the federal and church level so that I don't have to hear about it anymore.

I guess I am going to support my mom's best friend, as I've never met someone so in love, and let God do the judging. In the end, it isn't my or the church's opinion that matter's any way.

Perfection, even when it's not.

As I write this I am relishing in the fact that I have my 23 day old in my arms, my 19 month old laying next to me (actively trying to advert bedtime) and my hubby on the other end of the couch. We are watching the Twin's game and enjoying the sweet moments of Addison asking for Evie to lay by her only to want Evie to "go way" two minutes later.

It's the moments like this that make me realize just how lucky I am. Addison isn't a cuddler so having her lay still for five minutes next to me is a huge perk. She's never been a child who likes to be held. She in fact will fight you to let her go...and she will win. She doesn't like to be consoled when she gets hurt, rocked when she is sick or hugged. She wants her space. Period.

Evie on the other hand seems to like the cuddle time. She is the opposite and thinks she should be held and loved constantly. It's often the reason she is fussing. I think I'll enjoy having a cuddler but I do wish I could set her down for five minutes to do something for me! Once she's asleep I can lay her down and most of the time she is okay. She's awake a lot more now though so it's getting harder and harder to keep her content on her own.

As my family sleeps on the couch, husband snoring, baby snoring, Addie stirring, I realize that this is what life is all about. This is why God put me here. He called me to be a mom. I've always wanted this. For the first time in my life I've totally succeeded in getting what I want. Every moment is perfect; even the not so perfect ones.

Update on Evie

Evie had another doctor appointment today to get all her ailments checked. I decided that it would be easier and a lot less stressful to drop Addison off at the daycare lady's house. She was satisfied with this decision when she saw that there were a bunch of little kids to play with. I, too, was pleased that she would burn some energy off and get to be around others her own age.

Evie and I arrived at the doctor a little early and got in a little early! They weighed her first and she is 9lbs! Almost back to her birth weight; just a few more ounces to go. Her bilirubin was at 9 which is high normal. The doctor was also satisfied with her movement with her arm. The only ailment that we (by we I mean her) have now is constipation. My poor baby is having a hard time with digesting the 2 formula bottles she has in a day. It breaks my heart watching her struggle but today we had two poopy diapers so I'll call that success.

When Evie and I arrived at the daycare she was a little sad to leave. She took her sweet time getting her basket and shoes. She wanted to stay to play but all it took was to ask her if she wanted to see baby Evie and she was out that door in no time! When we got home we ate lunch and then she took a nap. She must have been tired because she was out in about 20 seconds!

Today has been a great day. All good news in the Folkerts house.

I'm not going to blink

Today Addie and I started a new routine. We started a behavior chart. She gets stickers for all the good things she does during the day. If she gets 3 stickers in a day she gets to pick a prize! They are all little things I found at the dollar store. So far she's pretty excited about her stickers!



She's been such a good girl with Evie and following directions but there are days where she wants to poke Evie a little too much and throws herself on the floor when hearing the word "no". This is hopefully going to help some of that since now there are consequences and rewards. In fact, after her first sticker this morning she decided to go and throw away her dirty diapers and then go to the stickers and say PEEES? I love her!



She also started going to story time at the Albert Lea library today. She wasn't overly interested in sitting down and watching a lady read a book but she did "sing" the songs. She also participated in the matching game, craft and snack. The Albert Lea library was quite impressive. They had a totally separate area for the kids books, DVD's and media. She was amazed by the toys and all the books. She walked around just soaking it all up. I think that maybe next week she'll be a little more interested in the actual story time.



We start tumbling classes and swimming lessons in a few weeks too. We're going to try to have something going on at least 3 days a week to tire her out a little. It's getting harder to entertain her in the house and it's going to get cold here soon. Right now we're still lucky enough to have beautiful weather for her to play outside. She loves to run to the gazebo and play with the dogs. She takes their four small food bowls and stick them in the water bowl. She also "hides" things in the refrigerator of her play kitchen. It's so fun to watch her play!



I am so proud of how she is developing. Her personality is amazing. She is so funny and such a good sharer (if that isn't a word, it is now). She loves to be around other little kids and has the best manners. Her new thing is to say "pees, tank ya" (please, thank you) in all one word when she wants something. It's so cute! She, most days, is my sunshine. She's become very patient with me when I am doing something with Evie and seems to understand that she has to play independently when I am feeding her!



It's hard to watch her grow and change so quickly. I wish that she would stay little and innocent a little longer then it seems she will. I feel like some days I blinked and she was a toddler. It's amazing how much she's learned in 18 months. I've really noticed it now that I have a helpless baby again. I can't believe that Addie was just this helpless just a short time ago and now some days she needs nothing for me but food and drink! I'm afraid to blink again as I don't want her to be in school, having a boyfriend or going off to college. I need her to need me forever.

Unconditional Love

It's a true unconditional feeling. I think it has to be. The love you have for a child. The minute each of my girls was born it was an indescribable instant love. One that brought tears to my eyes. One that brought joy, elation, and worry to my heart. It's the only time in life I think you are able to fall in love so quickly, so absolutely without even knowing a thing about that person.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I think he's a great partner and provider. I know that he loves me and that he'd do almost anything for me. But, it was a love that had to develop. It didn't start out so unconditional. It didn't originally bring me the feelings that I had when my girls entered this world. When I was first dating Billy I felt anxious, curious and excited. I knew that we had fun together but I always wondered if I was in love. It honestly wasn't until three years later that I realized that I without a question in my mind loved him. Some days I still wonder why I fell in love with him.

We are two totally different people. I am a city girl. I like to be clean. I like to be pampered and I HATE to sweat. I like all things Minnesota, except the Vikings, and I would live in a loft downtown in a heartbeat. My husband is a farm boy. He likes to be outside getting dirty. He can go days without a shower and doesn't mind a bug bite or two. We have totally different personalities. I am pretty laid back. I ask that if you can't do what you say your going to do you just let me know and I'll figure something else out. He has a temper. He can fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. His patience is little and he needs his needs fulfilled first. But with time we fell in love. It took work, understanding and patience.

This is something I think is so incredible. No matter what my girls do. No matter how much it hurts. No matter what they do or don't become I will love them full-heartily. They will no matter what be the top two priorities in my life. Being a parent is amazing. It's the hardest job in the world but there is never a day (there are moments) that I would trade this, not in a million years.

What a day!

I'm beginning to understand that as soon as things seem great something happens. Life here seemed to be settling into a routine. Addison has been signed up for tumbling and swimming lessons and we found out that story time starts next week at the library. She finally broke her last two teeth and seemed to be adjusting to Evie just fine. Evie, despite her broken collar bone and high bilirubin, has been a pretty easy baby. She sleeps most of the time only crying to let us know that she has a dirty diaper, she's hungry or she can't take her sister honking her nose anymore. And somehow I've figured out how to change two diapers, get two kids dressed and feed everyone before someone throws a fit. It seemed like things were going great.

Then we woke up this morning. It amazes me how someone so little can cause such a stir. Addie went to bed the sweet little girl that I gave birth to last night and woke up this morning the spawn of Satan. From the minute that girl opened her eyes to about, eh, four minutes ago she's been yelling, biting, pinching and hitting. Who is this child? She did everything she knows she's not supposed to do today. She didn't want me to hold Evie or look at her for that matter. She didn't like the breakfast or lunch she was given so after throwing it on the floor she went hungry. Honestly, these are the days I think about going back to work. Ah, work, where there are people who say more then 10 words and who don't end every conversation with PEEEEES? even after the answers been no fifteen times.

So here I am, 9:06PM, feeding Evie, looking at all the dishes in the kitchen and wondering whose going to do them. (I will, don't worry!) I've always prided myself in being laid back. I want my kids to look back on these years and think that I did everything I could to spend my time with them. I would give up everything for them but today I'm pretty sure I just would have given up one of them!

Twenties

My twenties have flown by. Okay, let me rephrase, my twenties are flying by. I woke up the other day and it just suddenly hit me that I had a birthday in August. A birthday that had me turn 27. I'm no longer in my early twenties, not even my mid-twenties. I'm in my LATE twenties. I guess I should inform you that it doesn't bother me at all that I am only, gulp, three years from thirty. In fact, I find what they say true, life gets better with age.

As I look back at my twenties I feel a little sad. I didn't have the normal twenties experiences. Twenty to twenty-two were normal years I suppose. Trying to figure out who I was, bouncing from one place to another and struggling to make ends meet (I use the word struggling loosely..thanks mom and dad for not letting me drown in debt). I dated a little but I met Billy at 22 so my dating life was short in my twenties. Then came 23. Oh, 23, you were a year I would never forget.

I was diagnosed with cancer at 23. The life Billy and I were living of concerts, bars, friends and every other social event we could get our hands on came to an abrupt stop. Our lives were forever changed and our relationships with the people we considered friends changed too. It seemed like at 23 it was us against the world. I was fighting for my life (although my prognosis was always good) and Billy was silently hoping that things would end up okay. It was the hardest year of our lives. Twenty-three came and went in a blink of an eye, the longest blink ever.

The past three years have changed my life completely. I always thought the biggest event in my twenties would be cancer. Boy was I wrong! At 24 I got married to my biggest fan, amazing support system and best friend. Nine days later Billy and I found out we'd be welcoming our first child into our lives. Want to talk about shock?! I am pretty sure that I had the same amount of shock when I found out I had cancer and when I found out I was pregnant. Eight and a half months later we welcomed Addison Grace Folkerts into the world.

My twenties have been full of moves too. I started my twenties in Duluth and have (at this point) ended them in Iowa. Wait, Iowa. Yep, Iowa. Here we are in Northwood, IA with now two little girls! Evelyn has been welcomed and seems to have been the missing link in our family. Our move to Iowa was very hard for me and I can now say I was depressed. The moment Evie entered our lives the depression was gone and I felt happy again. I am truly, honestly elated with life. I feel full of joy.

My twenties haven't been like anyone else I know. No bar-hopping in the city. No late night parties at friends. No traveling to Mexico, Las Vegas or overseas. It used to bother me that I missed out on all of those things. I used to feel like I missed out, like I was deprived that right of passage. But today, if you were to ask me if I were to trade my experiences for bar-hopping or trips to Mexico I'd tell you no. I feel so blessed that I was granted two beautiful little girls, a husband who thinks I'm amazing (got him fooled) and a support system of true friends and family.

My twenties have been a roller coaster ride but I guess that's what keeps things interesting.

Evelyn Marie Folkerts

So it's taken a while for me to find the words to describe what the birth of Evelyn was like. Or what going from a family of three to a family of four in minutes felt like. It also has taken me a while to get into a routine which includes a little sleep, a shower here and there and lots of kisses and cuddling. Okay, maybe those all sound like good reasons but really it's taken me 12 days to get on and tell you all about Evie because I am just plain tired!

Evelyn Marie Folkerts. She takes my breath away. I kept questioning how it is possible to love someone, a child, as much as I love Addison. It is so easy. She came out and there was this instant incredible love between us. She needed me as much as I wanted her. Oh, she and she decided that she needed to stay in me until the very last second!

We arrived at the hospital at 6:45am and were expecting that we'd have our bundle by noon. Everyone was expecting this except Evelyn, she had different plans. They asked me the 400 questions, which include ones I can't honestly believe people answer yes too..."Are you under the influence of street drugs" or "did you drink while pregnant" or (with Billy in the room) "where you forced to become pregnant". It makes my heart hurt that a: they have to ask these questions and b: people answer yes. Well, anyway, after an hour of Q&A they checked me and started my pitocin and fluids. By this time I was tired and just wanted to nap before the contractions got started.

This labor was a bit different in the sense that I didn't have my family there. It was just Billy and I and I felt different, calmer. I knew that less then 2 years (18 months to be exact) ago I did this with my epidural not working. I could do this. I kept breathing and dozing, trying to keep my mind off the fact that they came in every 30 minutes to up my pit since nothing was hurting. I progressed nice in the beginning. I went from 3 to 5 in a few hours but my water had not broke and Evie's head wouldn't fall. Around 1:45pm they broke my water. All I have to say about that was I'm glad that 15 minute "gush" didn't happen at home. After my water broke my contractions seemed to pick up and Evie's head got right into position. I decided on trying the epidural again with some convincing from Dr. Faust.

Oh, Mr. Epidural Man, I am a challenge. Apparently I know nothing and telling the Dr. that I have a ton of scar tissue in my spine meant nothing. First try at the epidural was so painful I asked them to stop and said I would just have natural labor. He hit the scar tissue which shot the most painful, debilitating feeling into my left hip. It felt like he paralyzed me. They begged to let him try again so I did and he again sent pain into my hip (I was sobbing and I thought Billy was going to punch the guy in the face) but within five minutes the pain in my hip was gone and surprisingly my contractions weren't so painful...on my left side. Crap, same results as last time.

They had me lay on my right side so the medication could drift down and hopefully take some of the pain away on that side too. It did help but I was still blowing through contractions which shouldn't be the case with an epidural. About two hours later they placed my catheter to empty my bladder and it was SO painful. I again asked them to take it out so they did. About five minutes later I called the nurse back in and told her that I thought I had to either poop (seriously, it's what it feels like) or push. The resident came in and checked me. He thought I was at 10 but the nurse felt like I was more like a 7. I was so tired at this point I wasn't sure I had the energy to spend hours getting to 10. Good thing Evie agreed. Four minutes later I again told them that I couldn't resist the urge to push. In came the nurse and resident, both checking me deciding I indeed progressed to a 10 in that four mins and I INDEED was ready to push.

On my next contraction the resident felt Evie's head while I pushed. He was shocked that I could push like I did. I reminded him that a year and a half ago I pushed out a 10 pounder. He yelled for the nurse to get Dr. Faust in the room because and I quote, "She just pushed that baby like 2 inches in 3 seconds." Dr. Faust entered the room about 6:35pm. Explained to me that I needed to NOT push at the next contraction and then it was in my hands. I pushed for about 7 minutes and she came out. She was screaming before her legs were out and looked so tiny. Well, tiny to us is certainly relative! She was 9 lbs. 6 oz. and 21 inches long. Nine ounces less then her sister, 1/2 inch shorter yet she looked TINY!!

Instantly, my heart melted. I felt relief, lighter and a little sad that it wasn't our little secret that she likes to wiggle or that she gets the hiccups around bedtime every night. I knew I'd miss being pregnant and I knew this would be the last time so I spent much of this labor trying to remember the kicks, wiggles and pain that I was going through for the last time. It's a weird feeling knowing that this completes our family yet it makes me excited for all the things to come. They placed her in my arms after doing the initial checks and we just cooed together. She was so perfect. She looked just like Addison (although I now think she looks like Evelyn!) except that her little arms and legs were SO skinny!!

I called my mom who was driving down from Wisconsin and told her all about Evie. Then I called my dad. There is something about watching my dad be a Grandpa that gets me every time. He was at the Roadhouse for burger night and when I called to let him know I heard the bartender in the back round say, "he's a Grandpa again, his daughter just had a baby". I cried thinking about how excited my dad was about Evie's arrival. So excited he told the entire bar!!

The next day Addie came to visit her little sister. Being that we were not sure how all of this was going to go, Billy and I prepared ourselves for a breakdown. To our complete surprise she crawled into my bed and looked at her kind of weird. Within five minutes of their meeting Evelyn was Addie's sister and only her's. She wanted to hold her constantly and would throw a complete tantrum with the nurses or I would need to take Evie. She has, for the most part, adjusted better then Billy and I could have ever expected. She's very helpful getting us pacifiers, diapers and even helping to feed her sister (I am currently only pumping, another story). She wants to hold Evie all the time. Her favorite thing to do is press Evie's nose and say "honk, honk" and give her kisses! She's a great big sister. I hope they continue to develop a bond that someday I am jealous of.

It's been a long twelve days. Evie developed a bad case of jaundice so she spent 6 days on the biliblanket. Man that makes it hard to cuddle her and even harder to go anywhere. My mom was here for 10 days and her exit on Friday brought on a lot of tears. I'd like to say that most were from Addie but I think this time it was me who knew mom would be very missed. She was a tremendous help. She played and chased Addie around for 10 days straight. She made tons of meals to both eat and freeze. She grocery shopped, ran errands and comforted when I couldn't. She was amazing and when she left she was exhausted!

Friday was my first day alone with the two girls and I managed just fine. It made me realize that I can do this, as I have to, on my own. Billy came home, I think expecting a mad house but we were all showered or bathed, dressed and ready to go watch some high school football. I'm enjoying the three day weekend with Billy. We spent Saturday and Sunday running errands that had been put off for months. I told Bill that I think we spent more money in one weekend then we had in a year! I bought myself a couple of shirts and it felt good to not have to buy XL shirts (I love breastfeeding) and to fit into normal clothes again! Bye-bye maternity wear!!

That brings us to today, Day 12. We're all enjoying a little quiet time. I hear Evie starting to stir, it's been two hours, she's hungry. Addie will be up soon, too. I enjoy the silence, even if for a minute, to reflect on how things are. This is our family. It's the four of us now. Addie is a big sister forever. I am a mom of two little girls and the wife of a man who adores the three of us. I have to say that before Evie came and I was uncomfortably pregnant I wasn't sure I would love this. But today, if you were to ask me if I was happy, I wouldn't delay in telling you, extremely. I love my life.