Support feels amazing.

Amazing.

Support feels amazing. After posting my blog about my sweet Evelyn many of you reached out via email and comments on facebook to let me know you were thinking about us. It has truly been what I needed, a team of people praying, so I thank you.

I am being carefully optimistic that the formula is helping the weight issue. She looks bigger to me. I have a shipping scale that I have been compulsively setting her on but it's not accurate so I can't gain much hope through what it tells me! After a weekend at my parents to celebrate Jesus' birth and a lot of talk about what to do we've made some decisions.

Evie's last few tests came back okay but it doesn't convince me she doesn't have CF. My daughter sweats like crazy. You pick her up and her back and head are soaking wet. It's very strange. I decided to call the doctor and ask him about this issue. He told me that normally he wouldn't worry to much about a sweaty baby because every ones metabolic rate is different. He then asked me about ten other questions and after telling him she sounds congested and has a snotty nose he told me that she needs to be seen.

We go in on Wednesday and are going to talk about what to do and where to go. Hopefully she's gained something and they can keep ruling things out. I've decided that I am going to push pretty hard for the sweat test to get done, even if I have to pay out of pocket for it. My daughter's health is worth far more then money can buy.

I am trying to keep my head held high and a smile on my face. It's hard to wonder and it's even harder to keep my mind from focusing on the things it could be. Hopefully all these tests will just prove that I have a beautiful, strong, HEALTHY baby girl!

Thank you for all your support, prayers, emails and thoughts. We truly appreciate all the kindness.

Oh, and congrats to the Foley and Wright families on their new baby girls....Marian Foley and Clara Wright, both VERY beautiful angels.

My Sweet Evelyn.

Yesterday was a truly emotional day for me. As you know, if you've been reading, that baby Evie isn't gaining weight. She is teeny for her age and I've been worried for about 6 weeks now. Well, yesterday was her big day.

We visited the doctor and I was prepared with questions and research and had my brave face on knowing that I may have to fight for answers. See, I wasn't going home with a simple, "she's just small", without a reason, a test, a diagnosis, something. Of course the nurse calls us back and does all the normal baby check things. Weight, height, head circumference and then a plethora of questions. She writes down all my concerns, charts Evie's growth and gets quiet. Next it's the Dr.'s turn. Dr. Ulrich is normally running late, today was no different. He comes in and asks why we were visiting.

I tell him my worries, I think it went something like this (holding back tears): My baby, she's not growing. She's four months and still in 0-3 clothes, size 1 diapers and they are both too big on her. She smiles, she looks at me, she wants to be strong and hold herself up. She spends time on her tummy but can't sustain very long. She eats a lot, 60z of milk every 4 hours, cereal twice a day. I don't know what to do. My hair is falling out and I cry about this. I am worried."

He is looking at her growth chart and says to me, "you're right, she's stopped growing". Showing me the growth chart he explains that at birth Evie was in the 90% and she is now between 5-10% (he said probably about 7%) for her age. He then explains if she would have stayed on a healthy weight gain since birth she should be about 75%. Her head and length are normal. He then starts testing some other things. He checks out her soft spot, looks good. Presses her belly, she farts, we both giggle. Her strength isn't where is wants it. He then checks her reflexes and gets very quiet.

He looks at me and says, "I think we need to test her for a few things." My heart drops. I am happy he is recognizing that there is an issue but I am again so scared. "We're growing to draw her blood and see how that comes out. We'll do a CBC (blood cell count), an ANA (to see if there is inflammation somewhere we can't see or feel), a thyroid test, and a few others." Gulp, "Okay". It was all I could muster out. "Then," he says, "I am going to have to see a specialized Pediatrician. Today. He works with babies just like Evie who are either premature or not growing as we expect. He is a great doctor and he'll know best what our plan should be". "Okay", I say again.

I then asked the question I really didn't want to know, "What could be causing this?". He starts, "Well, it could be thyroid, milk allergy, reflux, or something a bit more serious." Like what? "Cystic Fibrosis or a heart issue". I feel sick and he sees this. "By listening to her heart I've pretty much ruled out a heart issue. Cystic Fibrosis is rare, 1-3000 babies are born with it". He then goes on to explain to me that CF isn't something he is going to test for right now because there are so many other things he wants to rule out first but that Dr. Elaghaly (pronouced Al-leigh) may run more tests.


Fast forward 2 hours (after Evie gets her blood drawn and smiles during the entire thing, I have a complete meltdown in the bathroom, I call Bill and try to tell him what is going on and I drink a coffee so fast it makes me ill). I am now sitting in the waiting room of another Dr. The nurse comes and gets me and brings me into the room. Again, asks me a million and two questions. I get Evie naked and she runs a few tests. She informs me that Evie has been running a low-grade fever for her last 3 appointments and although she doesn't feel warm to us something is causing this fever. She then tests to see if there is the proper amount of O2 in her system. She passes!

The doctor comes in and gets right to business. He listens to her heart and lungs. Asks me if she is always congested (she has a cold) and tests her reflexes. He asks me something I knew would come up but was hoping I was wrong, "Does anyone in your family have any problems?". I explain to him that my cousin has spineabifida, my mom has this my dad's side has that and I had cancer. He then flat out asks me, "anyone have CF?". Not that I know of. He tells me that he is going to have to run some urine tests.

He places a catheter in little Evie and takes some urine from her. He tells me to hold tight, get a bottle ready and he wants to see her eat. So I get her dressed, make a bottle and we feed Evie. He thinks she is latching great, eating fine and her little bit of congestion doesn't seem to be slowing her down. He watches her burp and agrees we get a little more than normal out when she burps but that it isn't anything to be super concerned about. He leaves. I cry a little but hold myself together.

He comes in. All the initial tests have come back (there are still a few out) and her liver enzymes are high and her glucose is low. He tells me, "I think she is malnourished." I gave him a look and said, "I feed her. Six ounces. Every 4 hours."

He explains to me that he isn't concerned I am not feeding her. He is more concerned that she is not absorbing the nutrients in the milk. Basically it's going from mouth to diaper with little being taking in. This explains the super full diapers, the concentrated urine and her size. He puts her on this UBER expensive formula and tells me we need to feed her every 2 hours and wake her at night to eat. He tells me he doesn't expect that she will gain a huge amount of weight right away but that he would take 8 0z. (Yeah, me too, that's about all she's gained in 9 weeks)

So although we are still without firm answers as to why she isn't absorbing or whether it's something more serious or not, we have an answer. I purchased two cans of this crazy formula and then read that it's ONE DAY worth of bottles. Wow, good thing I love this baby because 1 month of formula is almost $1000! We started the regiment last night and at first I think she loved eating every two hours but after about the 4th feeding she was refusing to take her bottle. I called this morning and they said, to first try pushing it out to 3 hours and if that doesn't work lower it to 4 oz. but every 2 hours again.

Please say a prayer her tests for CF come back negative. This is an awful disease and I don't want her to have to deal with it. Please, also pray, that she gains weight and grows out of this deficiency. I know God has this all under control.

Some people need a brain

Some people need a brain. Or at least a shock collar that zolts them when they are about to speak without thinking.

Last night my family was in the midst of enjoying a nice dinner at Ruby Tuesdays. Little baby Evie was doing great until the end of the meal when she decided it was her turn to munch on some goods. I picked her up out of her car seat and this was the conversation had between Billy, myself, and the lady next to us:

Lady: Oh, she is so cute! How old is she?
Me: She will be 4 months old on Christmas.
Lady: Really? She is so small.
Me: Yeah, she's a peanut.
Lady: How premie was she?
Me: She wasn't. She weighed 9lbs 6 oz.
Lady: Oh, is there something wrong with her?
Billy: That was rude.
Me: Nope, nothing is wrong with her. ( I really wanted to say, what is WRONG with you?)

Really? What is something was 'wrong' with her. What if she was sick, had a birth defect or ailment that was life threatening. Honestly. I know my baby is small. I worry, cry, research and lose sleep over it. There is no answer, as of yet, as to why she isn't gaining weight. It weighs on my heart and I just hope that she is okay.

I wish that the lady at Ruby Tuesday's was there when I went into the car and cried. I wish she was there when I prayed to God again last night that he help Evie grow and gain just a little weight. I wish she knew how much it weighs on me that I fear there might be something "wrong" with her. But mostly I wish (and hope) that I see her again, after Evie's appointment on Wednesday, to let her know my daughter is just fine. (Hopefully!)

If that lady were wearing a shock collar I would have held the button down extra long. Seriously, do some people really just not have brains?

Capt. Joseph Schwab, you amaze me.

This post is going to be short and sweet. This past weekend I spent time with my parents, brother, sister-in-law and niece and her parents in Las Vegas. It was filled with walking, shopping, walking, sight-seeing, walking, good (expensive) food, sleeping, playing with Sophia, walking and walking. But, the reason we were there was so much more then the sight-seeing or good food. My brother, the one who used to practice his saxophone in the bathroom and forget his wallet, phone and/or dorm key each time he visited, graduated from WIC training.

WIC training, I found out at the graduation, is the most difficult schooling that any USAF member could ever go through. It is an elite schooling where very few members of the USAF are asked to commit six months of their lives too. It is hard. They write a graduate level paper, attend over 150 hours of classroom time, learn how to plan a war, actually plan and fly a war simulation. They eat, sleep and live WIC. My brother often refers to it lovingly as "a six month kick in the crotch".

I am so proud of my brother. He will forever be my silly big brother who laughs at stupid movies, forgets where he put his keys and reads books I'll never understand but now he is also able to plan a war to protect you and me. He is amazing.

I am also proud of my sister-in-law. She stands by him, supports him and runs their household(s), family, and daughter without complaining. She is an amazing mom to the SMARTEST 2.5 year old I have ever met. Without her selfless acts things in their house would be crazy. I am so glad my brother found her and that she is part of my family.

Congratulations Joe. Billy and I are so proud of you. You have out done yourself again.

Oh Old Me...Where are you?

I am a cancer survivor. I fought hard. I lost my hair, I lost my eyebrows, I lost a lot of friends. I gained weight and resentment. I feel resentment to the people my age who go to live their 20's like it's supposed to be. I resent that I had to fight for my life while my friends went to college, partied and flourished. I resent that people thank my husband for staying with me during such a terrible time like they think he should have left. I resent all the people who told me that "God doesn't give us more then we can handle" because I feel like this one time He did.

I thought the feeling of resentment would go away. But 3.5 years later it hasn't. In fact, it's grown into guilt, sadness and anger. I feel guilty that my husband and I will forever financially be in debt to family and hospitals for all the help we were given during my cancer. I feel guilty that my husband had to change job to take care of me. I feel guilty he didn't get to marry the woman he proposed to but rather the woman who emerged after cancer. Because she is NOT me. She is mad. She is cynical. She is socially awkward. She is angry. She is SO sad. She wants to be the pre-cancer version of herself. And here is the weirdest part. I feel guilty that I survived. And that I have two beautiful healthy baby girls. I feel guilty (although lucky) that I lived and someone else had to die.

I get angry some days. I have these scars. People still look, wonder and sometimes ask. I tell them cancer. They feel sorry for me. Then I get even more angry. I get angry that people feel like I owe them something. Like I chose to ruin their lives for those six months of chemo, like I asked them to give up their plans to comfort me as my bones hurt from the inside out. I want to yell and scream and tell them I didn't CHOOSE my sickness and they should just back off it.

Yet, in in all, I know I am SO lucky. I am SO blessed. I put on my happy face everyday. I love my children. I remember that if I wouldn't have made it my GIRLS wouldn't be here. It doesn't take away the resentment, the anger or the sadness but my momma always said, "fake it til ya make it".

New Lace Undies

So it's been 8 weeks since Evelyn was born. My husband keeps reminding me that it's time. You know what I mean. The six week healing process is up and he wants his wife back, eh hmm. Well, my doctor informed me that it isn't time until my IUD goes in, sorry baby! Okay, anyway.

I decided, that since there is nothing about my body that appeals to my eyes, I would buy some new undies to make me feel better about myself. I used to buy lace underwear and it would stay nice. I would wear it all the time and it made me feel feminine and sexy. Things during cancer I needed to feel. I would wash them and they would come out in the form of underwear. Stay with me.

So, I washed my new underwear. Let me re-phrase that, I put them in the laundry and Bill washed them. Want to know what he washed them with...bibs. Do you know how most bibs close, Velcro. Do you see where I am going with this? I pull out my new undies out of the basket today and what do I find...a bib stuck to my lace undies. Yep, the bib says "single" on it and it is stuck to my lace underwear. At first I am mad. Then I think it's funny. Now I am concerned. Is this a sign of things to come? Is there every going to be a day that I own nice lace undies again? Or where Billy and I won't sleep in our sweatpants with a toddler between us? phew.

I think the bib attached undies were a brief reminder that I am a mom first. I will always be a mom and even when I want a special moment with my husband, there will be a bib attached, per say. I think it's time to go back to the laundry basket now and see what else my undies got washed with, maybe it'll teach me another lesson!

The End of Summer

It's October 12th and there are several clues that our time outdoors is coming to an end. The MN Twins are done with their season, the leaves are quickly falling onto the ground and when I look out my living room window there isn't a bean or corn field left standing. Winter is swiftly approaching and it reminds me to take advantage of every moment left of the summer.

Addie and I are playing outside, eh hm, Addie is playing and I am writing my blog post outside. She is so easily entertained by herself now that often when I ask if I can play with her she either pushes me away or tells me no. That's okay, I enjoy sitting here watching her amazing imagination go. She loves to put the dogs food bowls in her play kitchen, push her grocery cart around full of leaves, acorns and buckets but her favorite thing is to ride her bike or push her lawn mower. She's a fantastic landscaper!! As I watch her play I look at Evie and realize that it wasn't that long ago Addie was tiny, helpless and still. She slept, cried and ate just like Evie does now.

As I watch this summer come to an end I am anxious to for the next. The girls will be playing together by then, I hope, and our summer can be filled with parks, games, pools and fun. This summer life wasn't very fair for Addie. I was either too tired, too big or too hot to play outside for very long. But next year I won't be pregnant. I'll be able to go for nature walks, to the park, the pool and play with the girls outside. I am so excited to watch them grow and learn together. Addison sure does love showing her little sister things. It's amazing how swimmingly Addie took to Evie. It amazes me really that she never really acted out to the changes.

When the last leaf drops and the first snowflake flies I'll be a bit sad that our outdoor time will be so short. Although I know that a new season of adventures lies ahead I can't help but savor the one we are in. I enjoy looking at the world through the eyes of a 1.5 year old. It reminds me how the simple things in life are really the most amazing. It isn't all the stuff I buy or the things I have but what I make of them. Addie can turn a dog bowl into hours of fun; I only wish I could do that!

Damn, it feels good to be me!

Sometimes I need to watch the news or listen to the radio to get something to spark my interest for a blog. Sometimes it's more personal and I just write from the soul. Today I sat down to write my post and nothing. No news story or personal issues are on my mind today. Today that only thing on my mind is how I am going in for my 6 week post-pardum check and am trying to figure out where the last 6 weeks have gone.

Evie has blended so well into our family. She has completed our circle and we feel complete. It's amazing how Addison took to her like a glove. She hasn't once shown jealousy. She gives her kisses and hugs constantly and when she doesn't want her around she just ignores her or throws a paci at her!

Billy and I feel fortunate that most nights we are only woken up once or twice for a feeding or diaper change. She is such a good baby there are times I forget she's in the room! In the last week or so Evie has been awake a lot more. It's so fun listening to her coo and look at the world. She has the best facial expressions and smiles a little now. She definitely knows who I am; at the sound of my voice she is looking for something to eat! And, believe it or not, she no longer looks like Addie and Billy! People have started to tell us she looks like me or my mom! Yay, I can claim this child!!

It's amazing how much love I can carry in my heart. I wondered for a good portion of my pregnancy how I was going to love another baby as much as I love Addie but it was so easy. I now understand when I would say to my mom, "you love Joe more" she always told us she loved us the same. I figured that it was impossible to love the second as much as the first but it isn't. My love for my girls pours over and I just can't believe I am lucky enough to be there mom.

I am saddened how fast these six weeks have gone. It's a stark remind how fast time moves. I almost have a 2 year old! It blows my mind that Addie is talking, eating on her own and has opinions. It wasn't that long ago she was just like Evie is now; dependent. I am afraid of how fast the next 6 weeks will go.

I guess that saying is true: time flies when you're having fun. Damn, it feels good to be me!

Bullying. It needs to stop.

Bullying. I think it's on the mind of every American right now; at the very least, every American parent. Just yesterday it was announced that a bright, talented Rutger's University student killed himself after his roommate and "friend" set up a hidden web cam and posted his relations with another man on the internet. There have been several news stories about young, 12 to 15 year olds, that have killed themselves over bullying. This is no longer becoming just another sad news story or kids being kids; this is a serious problem that we need to get a grip on.

I think that we were all, in some way, picked on in our years of growing up. Whether you were the cool kid or the dork, the jock or the band geek, wherever you stood in the hierarchy of popularity, you were at some point picked on. I understand that teasing happens. That there is a "I can't believe she did that" or a "You are a loser" here and there but serious bullying has become a problem. With the plethora of technology that teens (and adults alike) have access to it takes the teasing we endured to a whole new level. It's now non-stop. Texts, IM's, e-mails, blogs, facebook, twitter, and of course phone calls that bring teasing from the playground to the bedroom.

I often wonder what it will be that Addie and Evie will be teased about. Will it be something I can change, buy or replace so the teasing stops? Or will it be a feature of themselves that is permanent? I do know that I can only protect and guard them from the teasing to a point. I will arm them with all the self-confidence I can starting now so that when someone does put them down they can know that it isn't true. I will instill in them a sense of knowing right from wrong on the issue of teasing and bullying to stand up for those who are being bullied. And, so help me, if I ever find out that either girl has bullied another child they will not see the light of day for weeks. I have no tolerance for bullying.

Neither should you. As parents we need to stop this now before one more child dies. There should not be one more child who feels like their life isn't worth living because of another. And if you know that your child is a bully, do something about it. It's no longer kids just being kids. It's being taken way to far and kids are reaping serious consequences from this. In a world of such diversity we need to teach our kids tolerance for difference.

We need to, as adults, set an example for our children. I've known people to tell their kids that famous saying; Do as I say, not as I do, but what kind of an example are we really setting for our kids. The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. Our children learn and imitate our behavior. Do you make comments about another race, sex or sexual preference? Chances are if you answered yes to this your child has too. It pains me to know that children are still being taught prejudice instead of tolerance.

We need to start holding people, including children, accountable for their actions. There need to be consequences again. And it needs to start in American homes. No longer should parents blame the schools for "not doing enough". Take responsibility for your child's actions. If we all teach our children that bullying is wrong and set a good example for them this issue will lesson. I'm not naive, I know that teasing and bullying will never go away but children should in no way be so affected they take their own life.

Stand up for the victims of bully. Do your part to remind your children the consequences of their actions. Let's not let this turn into a bigger problem then it already is.

Let God do the Judging

It's a touchy subject and even I'm not 100% where I stand but I think it's important to "air out" this subject, gay marriage. I read an article on kare11.com today about how the Catholic church is sending out an informational packet to all registered members of the Catholic church about marriage. A 12 minute DVD will be included titled, "One Man, One Woman-Marriage and the Common Good". This made me start thinking about my opinion on the subject again and whether or not I would actually watch the video when I receive it.

My personal preference is that marriage stay between a man and a woman, I think. I've read it in the Bible several times and I've heard about it in church. But who am I to judge? My mom's very best friend was married to a man for years, had three beautiful children and now has three gorgeous grandchildren. She knew there was always something "wrong" with her marriage. Later in life she realized that she was a lesbian and has since divorced her ex-husband and has had a commitment ceremony with her wife. I attended this service with my mom and nothing about it seemed wrong to me. I love this woman like she is my own mother. She has always been there for me and I don't and will never judge her on her sexual preference.

Who am I to say that she won't go to heaven? I don't think that gay and lesbians wake up one morning "deciding" their sexual preference. I have to assume this since there was never a day I woke up and decided that I was heterosexual. It wasn't a decision I made to fall for boys it was a feeling; a feeling that God placed on my heart. So who is to say that God hasn't created homosexuals hearts different then mine? Is the church really able to prove this? Is their some sort of science that proves a genetic difference? I just don't feel like it is my place to judge.

I attended a church when I was in my early twenties in Minneapolis. When I started attending this church I had no idea that they openly supported homosexuality. In fact, a good portion of their congregation was homosexual (which explained a lot to me once I learned this!). It was the first time in my young adulthood that I enjoyed going to a Catholic church. The message, music and acceptance was different at this church. I never felt judged and now I realize why. Most of these men and women were constantly being judged. They were judged for their lifestyle from people who didn't care to understand. In fact, the Catholic church judged and has since moved the priest who supported these people away from this church. It hurts to know that religious people can be so judgemental. Shouldn't the church be happy that they have people, whether homo or hetero-sexual, filling the church each week? I guess that isn't important.

I feel so conflicted over this subject. My heart tells me that it is okay for two people, whether same sex or not, who truly love each other to be in a committed "marriage" relationship. My head; the one that went to Catholic school, has UBER conservative in-laws and has read it in the Bible, tells me that it is wrong. Isn't love, love? I wish that this subject would get settled on both at the federal and church level so that I don't have to hear about it anymore.

I guess I am going to support my mom's best friend, as I've never met someone so in love, and let God do the judging. In the end, it isn't my or the church's opinion that matter's any way.

Perfection, even when it's not.

As I write this I am relishing in the fact that I have my 23 day old in my arms, my 19 month old laying next to me (actively trying to advert bedtime) and my hubby on the other end of the couch. We are watching the Twin's game and enjoying the sweet moments of Addison asking for Evie to lay by her only to want Evie to "go way" two minutes later.

It's the moments like this that make me realize just how lucky I am. Addison isn't a cuddler so having her lay still for five minutes next to me is a huge perk. She's never been a child who likes to be held. She in fact will fight you to let her go...and she will win. She doesn't like to be consoled when she gets hurt, rocked when she is sick or hugged. She wants her space. Period.

Evie on the other hand seems to like the cuddle time. She is the opposite and thinks she should be held and loved constantly. It's often the reason she is fussing. I think I'll enjoy having a cuddler but I do wish I could set her down for five minutes to do something for me! Once she's asleep I can lay her down and most of the time she is okay. She's awake a lot more now though so it's getting harder and harder to keep her content on her own.

As my family sleeps on the couch, husband snoring, baby snoring, Addie stirring, I realize that this is what life is all about. This is why God put me here. He called me to be a mom. I've always wanted this. For the first time in my life I've totally succeeded in getting what I want. Every moment is perfect; even the not so perfect ones.

Update on Evie

Evie had another doctor appointment today to get all her ailments checked. I decided that it would be easier and a lot less stressful to drop Addison off at the daycare lady's house. She was satisfied with this decision when she saw that there were a bunch of little kids to play with. I, too, was pleased that she would burn some energy off and get to be around others her own age.

Evie and I arrived at the doctor a little early and got in a little early! They weighed her first and she is 9lbs! Almost back to her birth weight; just a few more ounces to go. Her bilirubin was at 9 which is high normal. The doctor was also satisfied with her movement with her arm. The only ailment that we (by we I mean her) have now is constipation. My poor baby is having a hard time with digesting the 2 formula bottles she has in a day. It breaks my heart watching her struggle but today we had two poopy diapers so I'll call that success.

When Evie and I arrived at the daycare she was a little sad to leave. She took her sweet time getting her basket and shoes. She wanted to stay to play but all it took was to ask her if she wanted to see baby Evie and she was out that door in no time! When we got home we ate lunch and then she took a nap. She must have been tired because she was out in about 20 seconds!

Today has been a great day. All good news in the Folkerts house.

I'm not going to blink

Today Addie and I started a new routine. We started a behavior chart. She gets stickers for all the good things she does during the day. If she gets 3 stickers in a day she gets to pick a prize! They are all little things I found at the dollar store. So far she's pretty excited about her stickers!



She's been such a good girl with Evie and following directions but there are days where she wants to poke Evie a little too much and throws herself on the floor when hearing the word "no". This is hopefully going to help some of that since now there are consequences and rewards. In fact, after her first sticker this morning she decided to go and throw away her dirty diapers and then go to the stickers and say PEEES? I love her!



She also started going to story time at the Albert Lea library today. She wasn't overly interested in sitting down and watching a lady read a book but she did "sing" the songs. She also participated in the matching game, craft and snack. The Albert Lea library was quite impressive. They had a totally separate area for the kids books, DVD's and media. She was amazed by the toys and all the books. She walked around just soaking it all up. I think that maybe next week she'll be a little more interested in the actual story time.



We start tumbling classes and swimming lessons in a few weeks too. We're going to try to have something going on at least 3 days a week to tire her out a little. It's getting harder to entertain her in the house and it's going to get cold here soon. Right now we're still lucky enough to have beautiful weather for her to play outside. She loves to run to the gazebo and play with the dogs. She takes their four small food bowls and stick them in the water bowl. She also "hides" things in the refrigerator of her play kitchen. It's so fun to watch her play!



I am so proud of how she is developing. Her personality is amazing. She is so funny and such a good sharer (if that isn't a word, it is now). She loves to be around other little kids and has the best manners. Her new thing is to say "pees, tank ya" (please, thank you) in all one word when she wants something. It's so cute! She, most days, is my sunshine. She's become very patient with me when I am doing something with Evie and seems to understand that she has to play independently when I am feeding her!



It's hard to watch her grow and change so quickly. I wish that she would stay little and innocent a little longer then it seems she will. I feel like some days I blinked and she was a toddler. It's amazing how much she's learned in 18 months. I've really noticed it now that I have a helpless baby again. I can't believe that Addie was just this helpless just a short time ago and now some days she needs nothing for me but food and drink! I'm afraid to blink again as I don't want her to be in school, having a boyfriend or going off to college. I need her to need me forever.

Unconditional Love

It's a true unconditional feeling. I think it has to be. The love you have for a child. The minute each of my girls was born it was an indescribable instant love. One that brought tears to my eyes. One that brought joy, elation, and worry to my heart. It's the only time in life I think you are able to fall in love so quickly, so absolutely without even knowing a thing about that person.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband. I think he's a great partner and provider. I know that he loves me and that he'd do almost anything for me. But, it was a love that had to develop. It didn't start out so unconditional. It didn't originally bring me the feelings that I had when my girls entered this world. When I was first dating Billy I felt anxious, curious and excited. I knew that we had fun together but I always wondered if I was in love. It honestly wasn't until three years later that I realized that I without a question in my mind loved him. Some days I still wonder why I fell in love with him.

We are two totally different people. I am a city girl. I like to be clean. I like to be pampered and I HATE to sweat. I like all things Minnesota, except the Vikings, and I would live in a loft downtown in a heartbeat. My husband is a farm boy. He likes to be outside getting dirty. He can go days without a shower and doesn't mind a bug bite or two. We have totally different personalities. I am pretty laid back. I ask that if you can't do what you say your going to do you just let me know and I'll figure something else out. He has a temper. He can fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. His patience is little and he needs his needs fulfilled first. But with time we fell in love. It took work, understanding and patience.

This is something I think is so incredible. No matter what my girls do. No matter how much it hurts. No matter what they do or don't become I will love them full-heartily. They will no matter what be the top two priorities in my life. Being a parent is amazing. It's the hardest job in the world but there is never a day (there are moments) that I would trade this, not in a million years.

What a day!

I'm beginning to understand that as soon as things seem great something happens. Life here seemed to be settling into a routine. Addison has been signed up for tumbling and swimming lessons and we found out that story time starts next week at the library. She finally broke her last two teeth and seemed to be adjusting to Evie just fine. Evie, despite her broken collar bone and high bilirubin, has been a pretty easy baby. She sleeps most of the time only crying to let us know that she has a dirty diaper, she's hungry or she can't take her sister honking her nose anymore. And somehow I've figured out how to change two diapers, get two kids dressed and feed everyone before someone throws a fit. It seemed like things were going great.

Then we woke up this morning. It amazes me how someone so little can cause such a stir. Addie went to bed the sweet little girl that I gave birth to last night and woke up this morning the spawn of Satan. From the minute that girl opened her eyes to about, eh, four minutes ago she's been yelling, biting, pinching and hitting. Who is this child? She did everything she knows she's not supposed to do today. She didn't want me to hold Evie or look at her for that matter. She didn't like the breakfast or lunch she was given so after throwing it on the floor she went hungry. Honestly, these are the days I think about going back to work. Ah, work, where there are people who say more then 10 words and who don't end every conversation with PEEEEES? even after the answers been no fifteen times.

So here I am, 9:06PM, feeding Evie, looking at all the dishes in the kitchen and wondering whose going to do them. (I will, don't worry!) I've always prided myself in being laid back. I want my kids to look back on these years and think that I did everything I could to spend my time with them. I would give up everything for them but today I'm pretty sure I just would have given up one of them!

Twenties

My twenties have flown by. Okay, let me rephrase, my twenties are flying by. I woke up the other day and it just suddenly hit me that I had a birthday in August. A birthday that had me turn 27. I'm no longer in my early twenties, not even my mid-twenties. I'm in my LATE twenties. I guess I should inform you that it doesn't bother me at all that I am only, gulp, three years from thirty. In fact, I find what they say true, life gets better with age.

As I look back at my twenties I feel a little sad. I didn't have the normal twenties experiences. Twenty to twenty-two were normal years I suppose. Trying to figure out who I was, bouncing from one place to another and struggling to make ends meet (I use the word struggling loosely..thanks mom and dad for not letting me drown in debt). I dated a little but I met Billy at 22 so my dating life was short in my twenties. Then came 23. Oh, 23, you were a year I would never forget.

I was diagnosed with cancer at 23. The life Billy and I were living of concerts, bars, friends and every other social event we could get our hands on came to an abrupt stop. Our lives were forever changed and our relationships with the people we considered friends changed too. It seemed like at 23 it was us against the world. I was fighting for my life (although my prognosis was always good) and Billy was silently hoping that things would end up okay. It was the hardest year of our lives. Twenty-three came and went in a blink of an eye, the longest blink ever.

The past three years have changed my life completely. I always thought the biggest event in my twenties would be cancer. Boy was I wrong! At 24 I got married to my biggest fan, amazing support system and best friend. Nine days later Billy and I found out we'd be welcoming our first child into our lives. Want to talk about shock?! I am pretty sure that I had the same amount of shock when I found out I had cancer and when I found out I was pregnant. Eight and a half months later we welcomed Addison Grace Folkerts into the world.

My twenties have been full of moves too. I started my twenties in Duluth and have (at this point) ended them in Iowa. Wait, Iowa. Yep, Iowa. Here we are in Northwood, IA with now two little girls! Evelyn has been welcomed and seems to have been the missing link in our family. Our move to Iowa was very hard for me and I can now say I was depressed. The moment Evie entered our lives the depression was gone and I felt happy again. I am truly, honestly elated with life. I feel full of joy.

My twenties haven't been like anyone else I know. No bar-hopping in the city. No late night parties at friends. No traveling to Mexico, Las Vegas or overseas. It used to bother me that I missed out on all of those things. I used to feel like I missed out, like I was deprived that right of passage. But today, if you were to ask me if I were to trade my experiences for bar-hopping or trips to Mexico I'd tell you no. I feel so blessed that I was granted two beautiful little girls, a husband who thinks I'm amazing (got him fooled) and a support system of true friends and family.

My twenties have been a roller coaster ride but I guess that's what keeps things interesting.

Evelyn Marie Folkerts

So it's taken a while for me to find the words to describe what the birth of Evelyn was like. Or what going from a family of three to a family of four in minutes felt like. It also has taken me a while to get into a routine which includes a little sleep, a shower here and there and lots of kisses and cuddling. Okay, maybe those all sound like good reasons but really it's taken me 12 days to get on and tell you all about Evie because I am just plain tired!

Evelyn Marie Folkerts. She takes my breath away. I kept questioning how it is possible to love someone, a child, as much as I love Addison. It is so easy. She came out and there was this instant incredible love between us. She needed me as much as I wanted her. Oh, she and she decided that she needed to stay in me until the very last second!

We arrived at the hospital at 6:45am and were expecting that we'd have our bundle by noon. Everyone was expecting this except Evelyn, she had different plans. They asked me the 400 questions, which include ones I can't honestly believe people answer yes too..."Are you under the influence of street drugs" or "did you drink while pregnant" or (with Billy in the room) "where you forced to become pregnant". It makes my heart hurt that a: they have to ask these questions and b: people answer yes. Well, anyway, after an hour of Q&A they checked me and started my pitocin and fluids. By this time I was tired and just wanted to nap before the contractions got started.

This labor was a bit different in the sense that I didn't have my family there. It was just Billy and I and I felt different, calmer. I knew that less then 2 years (18 months to be exact) ago I did this with my epidural not working. I could do this. I kept breathing and dozing, trying to keep my mind off the fact that they came in every 30 minutes to up my pit since nothing was hurting. I progressed nice in the beginning. I went from 3 to 5 in a few hours but my water had not broke and Evie's head wouldn't fall. Around 1:45pm they broke my water. All I have to say about that was I'm glad that 15 minute "gush" didn't happen at home. After my water broke my contractions seemed to pick up and Evie's head got right into position. I decided on trying the epidural again with some convincing from Dr. Faust.

Oh, Mr. Epidural Man, I am a challenge. Apparently I know nothing and telling the Dr. that I have a ton of scar tissue in my spine meant nothing. First try at the epidural was so painful I asked them to stop and said I would just have natural labor. He hit the scar tissue which shot the most painful, debilitating feeling into my left hip. It felt like he paralyzed me. They begged to let him try again so I did and he again sent pain into my hip (I was sobbing and I thought Billy was going to punch the guy in the face) but within five minutes the pain in my hip was gone and surprisingly my contractions weren't so painful...on my left side. Crap, same results as last time.

They had me lay on my right side so the medication could drift down and hopefully take some of the pain away on that side too. It did help but I was still blowing through contractions which shouldn't be the case with an epidural. About two hours later they placed my catheter to empty my bladder and it was SO painful. I again asked them to take it out so they did. About five minutes later I called the nurse back in and told her that I thought I had to either poop (seriously, it's what it feels like) or push. The resident came in and checked me. He thought I was at 10 but the nurse felt like I was more like a 7. I was so tired at this point I wasn't sure I had the energy to spend hours getting to 10. Good thing Evie agreed. Four minutes later I again told them that I couldn't resist the urge to push. In came the nurse and resident, both checking me deciding I indeed progressed to a 10 in that four mins and I INDEED was ready to push.

On my next contraction the resident felt Evie's head while I pushed. He was shocked that I could push like I did. I reminded him that a year and a half ago I pushed out a 10 pounder. He yelled for the nurse to get Dr. Faust in the room because and I quote, "She just pushed that baby like 2 inches in 3 seconds." Dr. Faust entered the room about 6:35pm. Explained to me that I needed to NOT push at the next contraction and then it was in my hands. I pushed for about 7 minutes and she came out. She was screaming before her legs were out and looked so tiny. Well, tiny to us is certainly relative! She was 9 lbs. 6 oz. and 21 inches long. Nine ounces less then her sister, 1/2 inch shorter yet she looked TINY!!

Instantly, my heart melted. I felt relief, lighter and a little sad that it wasn't our little secret that she likes to wiggle or that she gets the hiccups around bedtime every night. I knew I'd miss being pregnant and I knew this would be the last time so I spent much of this labor trying to remember the kicks, wiggles and pain that I was going through for the last time. It's a weird feeling knowing that this completes our family yet it makes me excited for all the things to come. They placed her in my arms after doing the initial checks and we just cooed together. She was so perfect. She looked just like Addison (although I now think she looks like Evelyn!) except that her little arms and legs were SO skinny!!

I called my mom who was driving down from Wisconsin and told her all about Evie. Then I called my dad. There is something about watching my dad be a Grandpa that gets me every time. He was at the Roadhouse for burger night and when I called to let him know I heard the bartender in the back round say, "he's a Grandpa again, his daughter just had a baby". I cried thinking about how excited my dad was about Evie's arrival. So excited he told the entire bar!!

The next day Addie came to visit her little sister. Being that we were not sure how all of this was going to go, Billy and I prepared ourselves for a breakdown. To our complete surprise she crawled into my bed and looked at her kind of weird. Within five minutes of their meeting Evelyn was Addie's sister and only her's. She wanted to hold her constantly and would throw a complete tantrum with the nurses or I would need to take Evie. She has, for the most part, adjusted better then Billy and I could have ever expected. She's very helpful getting us pacifiers, diapers and even helping to feed her sister (I am currently only pumping, another story). She wants to hold Evie all the time. Her favorite thing to do is press Evie's nose and say "honk, honk" and give her kisses! She's a great big sister. I hope they continue to develop a bond that someday I am jealous of.

It's been a long twelve days. Evie developed a bad case of jaundice so she spent 6 days on the biliblanket. Man that makes it hard to cuddle her and even harder to go anywhere. My mom was here for 10 days and her exit on Friday brought on a lot of tears. I'd like to say that most were from Addie but I think this time it was me who knew mom would be very missed. She was a tremendous help. She played and chased Addie around for 10 days straight. She made tons of meals to both eat and freeze. She grocery shopped, ran errands and comforted when I couldn't. She was amazing and when she left she was exhausted!

Friday was my first day alone with the two girls and I managed just fine. It made me realize that I can do this, as I have to, on my own. Billy came home, I think expecting a mad house but we were all showered or bathed, dressed and ready to go watch some high school football. I'm enjoying the three day weekend with Billy. We spent Saturday and Sunday running errands that had been put off for months. I told Bill that I think we spent more money in one weekend then we had in a year! I bought myself a couple of shirts and it felt good to not have to buy XL shirts (I love breastfeeding) and to fit into normal clothes again! Bye-bye maternity wear!!

That brings us to today, Day 12. We're all enjoying a little quiet time. I hear Evie starting to stir, it's been two hours, she's hungry. Addie will be up soon, too. I enjoy the silence, even if for a minute, to reflect on how things are. This is our family. It's the four of us now. Addie is a big sister forever. I am a mom of two little girls and the wife of a man who adores the three of us. I have to say that before Evie came and I was uncomfortably pregnant I wasn't sure I would love this. But today, if you were to ask me if I was happy, I wouldn't delay in telling you, extremely. I love my life.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a big day for us. We are about to embark on a new journey. The journey of two little girls batting their eyes, showing us their big lips and begging for whatever it is they want at that moment. Baby Evie is going to make her big debut into this crazy world. And as I think about that it brings on so many mixed emotions.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to finally meet this little creature that I have had the pleasure of housing for the last 9 months. I have imagined her with dark hair and green eyes. I think she'll look a bit like Addison just not so big! I have a hunch that it will be a little harder this time to nurse and sleep through the night. No matter what the outcome of all these things, I feel blessed to be having another healthy baby.

It does bring tears to my eyes though to think that Addison went to bed tonight an only child for the last time. That she is closing her bright blue eyes not understanding that tomorrow another family member will join our team. That she won't get all the attention. It doesn't seem fair to me. Isn't that funny. I know she'll be an amazing big sister once she gets it all figured out. I know she'll love up on Evie like I can't. And as they grow I know she will show her the ropes, teach her about puppies and beat her up. I just wish that she had a little bit of an idea that tomorrow her world is going to be rocked!

I am very thankful that my mom is going to be able to spend the week with us to help smooth out this transition period. She'll be arriving tomorrow night and staying until next week on Friday. Her soul purpose is to love up on Addison while I am with Evie and vise versa. My mom is great with her grand kids and they ADORE her. I love when Addie sees my mom for the first time in a couple weeks and shrieks! She gives my mom these hugs that Billy and I have never had the privilege of having. It's a special thing she does just for Grandma Penny. It's fantastic and it melts my heart!

I'm trying to savor these last few hours with Evie in my belly. I'm trying to burn into my memory the kicks, hiccups and heartburn! I don't ever want to forget how much I love being an incubator, even though these last weeks have been hard. This is my last pregnancy. Now I know I've said that before but I mean it this time! Billy and I feel so blessed after my cancer to have two little girls.

So I'm off to bed. In less then 10 hours I will be on my way to the hospital. Please say your prayers for our family. That everyone has a smooth delivery and more importantly, please pray that Addison adjusts to her new sister. I know for one change is hard.

Oh, religion.

Sadly the day has come and gone and I'm still pregnant. It's sort of a weird feeling just waiting for the day to meet Evie. Hopefully that day arrives soon and we'll be holding her in our arms.

On another note.


Religion. I know, I know, a very touchy subject but this has been on my blogging list for a while and I've decided to tackle it. Probably because my in-laws are coming to town this weekend and don't like that my husband and I are Catholic. They have always avoided going to church with us somehow when they visit, normally by having to "get going" before church starts. This trip though things are a little different. We are now 5 to 6 hours away instead of 8 so leaving an hour later isn't going to cause a problem.


See, here is my take on religion: it should be a choice. I will never ever tell you what to believe or treat you different if your beliefs are different then mine. I will never make you feel uncomfortable in my presence because of our differences and I would expect the same respect. I believe that you can't be forced to believe in something just because your parents think it's right. Religion is something that you have to decide, heart, mind and soul that you want in your life, otherwise your not truly believing.


Here's my point: My husband was forced to go to church. He often tells me that because he didn't know any different he thought that everyone went to church three to four times a week. As a teenager he started to rebel and live a life a little different then his family, mostly his parents. Once in college he did a 180 and didn't act "Christian-like" at all. He did things that would make his parents die if they knew and lost who he was. He often tells me that he always felt that when he went back home he wasn't "good-enough" or was being judged by both his family and church community. After college he stayed on quite a destructive path for a while. Until we met Bill was into drugs, sex and drinking. His life was anything but what his parents assumed it would be when he was that little boy in church. He was on a path to self-destruction. I didn't change my husband but when he met me, he changed. He had stopped doing drugs, quit sleeping around and although he still drinks it's not a problem anymore. He decided that he had something to quit for, me.


After we started dating we decided we needed to find a church home together. I was driving clear across the Twin Cities to go to my home church and it seemed a little crazy. We found a church we thought we would both like, New Hope Free Church. It was upbeat and mostly younger adults. We got connected but I wasn't getting much out of it. It seemed more like a performace to me then church. I was used to my Catholic rituals and traditions. I expressed this to Billy and he told me he'd try it out. It took a few times but he started to feel involved.


Billy started going to classes once we found out we were pregnant with Addison to become Catholic. I never asked him too, I never pressured him. One day he came to me and told me that he thought it was important that we believed in the same things and went to the same church. Since it was more important to me to stay Catholic then it was to him to not be a Catholic, he called the church and set up his first class. I was proud, humbled and honored that my husband would do this for me. Since he has become Catholic his faith has changed. He asks so many more questions, is interested in the reasons why Catholics do things and seems to have a relationship with God again. It was his choice to find religion again and it's better then ever before. Funny how that works, eh?


As for the way I will raise my children, of course, right now, Addison is forced to go to church with us, she is after all 17 months old. She will continue to go to church with us every week until she is old enough to make an educated decision on her beliefs. If she decides that this isn't the path for her she is going to have to have an educated discussion with Billy and I about her reasoning's. But, if it's just not that she doesn't want to get up on a Sunday I'll hear her out. It will be hard to let her walk away. But I know in my heart of hearts that she would at somepoint in her life, come back. I think thats the awesome thing about letting people make their own decisions. I fear that if I force her to go to church or believe in what I believe in she, too, will rebel against God.


I'm pretty open-minded about religion and church. I know that my relationship with God is personal and only He and I understand it. I don't like being questioned about my "faith story" or why I believe in God. See, I'll tell you all the wonderful things he's placed in my life but the relationship I share with Him is just with Him. Your relationship will be different. That's the amazing thing about God: He meets you where you are. His relationship is different with everyone and that's what makes it so awesome. I could go on and on about the religion. About how not all Christians are judgemental jerks, how in the end I truly believe that we are all praying to the same God in Heaven but I just don't have the time tonight. Instead, I'll end with this: Oh, religion.

36 WEEKS!!

Billy and I are off to our 36 week check-up to see if it's time to get this baby out! We are supposed to have an ultrasound to see what she weighs and then make a determination from there if we are going to try to have a natural birth or a c-section.

I've been having regular, non-painful, contractions since Sunday. I am hoping they are doing something as they are starting to become annoying. I think I'll be a little sad if they tell me that I have had no progress. I've definately "dropped" and Evie is all down and out front. It's thrown my center of gravity off and last night was proof of that.

I was up for the third time to go to the bathroom and must have missed a step and took a pretty good tumble down the stairs. I have a horrible headache and a little double/blurry vision, my neck, back and butt are all achey and bruised but I think everything is okay with the baby. We'll definately have the Dr. double check today.

I'm hoping that my prediction is still right and I have this baby tomorrow!! That would be fantastic to be done with this whole pregnancy!

It's almost that time!

Each day that passes is one day closer to meeting Evelyn. I'm so excited and of course a little nervous about having two little girls taking over my home for the rest of my life! I've got the newborn diapers in the changing table, man they are small, the wipes warming and the bottles washed (just in case). I've got all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes washed, folded and put in the drawers. I even have the crib ready for when I am ready to let her part from my arms.

I am technically ready. At least all of the stuff is ready. But am I? I keep wondering. I mean I know there is no turning back now. She's coming in the next four weeks whether I'm ready or not. I feel a little more ready then I did with Addison. I remember thinking with Addison, "what if I don't fall in love immediately?" or "what if all she does is cries?". And, luckily those weren't issues at all. The minute that little girl was born I had mommy worry. I loved her with an amount of love I didn't know I possess and she didn't cry.

Is it possible to have that much love again for another person? I'd have to believe so. But I'm just nervous about that. I guess it's one of those things that you have to wait for in order to experience. And here I am waiting. I feel like all I'm doing is waiting.

My guess is that Evie will make her arrival on Wednesday July 28th at 3:15pm weighing 7lb. 4oz. and will be 19inches long.

I guess we'll see!

Just Stop Breathing!

So there is always a tell tale sign I am ending my enjoyment of being pregnant. It's not the protruding stomach or the leaking breasts. In fact, my ankles still look like ankles and my wedding ring is still placed on my left hand ring finger. I can't really complain about the physical effects, although I am starting to feel my rib cage expand and my heartburn is burning through my body into my back, all in all the physical pains of being pregnant aren't ailing me like they did with Addison. Nope, for me it's my husband. I don't know why but the sound of his voice, the lack of urgency in his walk or the way he breaths tugs at my every nerve.

The thing is, he's not really doing anything wrong. Sure, he says that he wiped the counter off yet I moved 10 things off the counter to properly wipe the crumbs off. Or he sweeps 1/4 of the kitchen floor instead of the entire thing. It bothers me too that the curtain rods in our room had to be hung by me after 3 weeks of mentioning how bright it was in our room. But all in all, these are things Billy does 99.9% of the time and I just live with them. Not when I am done being pregnant.

Today was a rough day. Addison is teething, her last 2 teeth are causing her an immense amount of pain. She has had diarrhea and been so crabby all day. She's cried over everything. I gave her milk but she wanted juice. I gave her crackers for snack she wanted fruit snacks. She rubbed her eyes for 20 minutes but when I put her to bed she squealed for over an hour before I finally just gave up and let her get out. I didn't make dinner, empty the dishwasher or wash a single dish. I didn't pick up Addison's toys for the 15th time or clean the table. I thought that maybe I'd take the day of from being my mom. (Read yesterday's post)

But now it's 9PM and I've re-sweeped the kitchen floor, re-wiped of the counters, put more dishes in the dishwasher, dusted the living room and picked some of Addie's toys up. So much for taking a day off. Do mom's ever get a day off? I'm starting to think that the answer is a big fat NOPE! I don't mind everything I have to do at the end of the day, I really don't. It's just that walking around with a bowling ball between my legs is starting to ware on my nerves. Is it really so much to Bill to just stop breathing until Evie comes?

I'm turning into my mother!

As I am writing this I am enjoying my few minutes of pure and utter silence. The dogs and baby are outside with Billy getting all their sillys out from the day. It's my time. And all I can truly do is sit here and think of the 1 million things that need to get done before the lights are turned off and the blankets pulled up to my chin. Isn't it strange how, when it was just Billy and I, it was easy to forget about the things that needed to get done and enjoy our time together. And secretly, how we both longed for a little more noise in the house.

It's so funny how your priorities can change and your not aware of it. All of a sudden I've started turning into my mom more and more. I no longer can leave the dishes for tomorrow and can't stand a dirty toilet. It's happened so gradually that I didn't really notice until the other day when I said something to Billy that I'm pretty sure I've heard my mom say to my dad, "can't you put your dishes in the dishwasher". Then it hit me, oh Lord, I'm her. Well, maybe that's not such a bad thing. I think my mom is pretty spectacular most of the time.

So here I am. I was ordered by my husband to "take a minute to yourself before I weed whip" but instead of taking a moment I've looked up banana bread recipes so Addie and I can whip up a batch tonight for breakfast tomorrow, balanced the check book, and am now writing to all of you. I've got my to-do list going in my head: vacuum living room and Addie's room, hang curtains in our room, Addie's laundry, give Addie bath, do dishes. All this needs to be done before I go to bed tonight or it'll just weigh on my mind until morning. Priorities.

I used to think that growing up sucked. That being an adult seemed so boring. Between housework, paying bills and going to work where was the fun. Now that I am an adult I find that I don't find it boring at all. I find it rewarding to go to work (or at least wake up to work), pay my bills and do housework. We also find time to have fun. In fact, my day of work is filled with fun moments with Addison and I feel so blessed to have her. Although adulthood can be scary and often very overwhelming it's also a journey that I am enjoying. Soon our family will be complete and we can start planning on creating memories for them. I love having new priorities.

He's just a little different

So I was reading US Weekly, ya know, my bible yesterday and read this quote by Courtney Cox. It said something like, all the quirks we love about our mate when we're dating usually end up being the things we can stand once we're married.

I found this interesting as I really thought about it. I've been married to my amazing husband for 2 years and 3 months already and I find this to be incredibly true! I was 22 when I met Billy and loved going out. So did Billy. He is pretty good at putting a beer or two back in little to no time at all. In fact, that song "I'm pretty good at drinking beer" might be his theme song. Don't get me wrong, Billy isn't a big party animal anymore but I am known to get upset with him when we throws back 6 beers in the time I drink one.

Another thing I loved about Billy was that he would decide he wanted something and he'd go out and get it. For example, we bought our living room furniture within 2 hours of Billy closing on the house in Robbinsdale. Or if we decided we wanted to go to a concert we got online and bought tickets. I loved this about Billy. I thought it was spontaneous and fun. It also wasn't my money so that made it a little better too. Well, it is now my biggest complaint about Billy. It drives me insane that he has spent his "allowance" before it even hits his bank account. I can't ever figure out why he has no money and it drives me insane that he doesn't think through his purchases before he buys. He decides he needs a riding lawn mower, finds someone who has one and BAM we own a riding lawn mower. I love my husband but this is why he is allotted a small amount of his paycheck each month.

I'm sure there are things that I do that drive him insane! It never used to bother him that I am messy. I'm not exactly the best at getting my dirty clothes into the laundry basket and I never make the bed, well, unless we're having company. He never complained when we were dating. Now, you'd think that my bra on the bathroom floor was a deadly bomb the way he over-reacts when it's there. Gee buddy, you used to love seeing my bras on the floor.

We also used to eat out probably 5 times a week. I wasn't exactly the best cook and didn't really enjoy cooking. He didn't seem to mind. We'd eat out, hang out and then go back to my apartment. He never complained, never asked me to make dinner more often. He would call and ask where we were going to dinner instead of what we were having for dinner. Now, we MIGHT go out once a week. If I tell him I don't want to cook and that we're going out he gets all uptight on me telling me that it's a waste of money. My response is always, well you could make dinner tonight and within 15 minutes we're all loaded up on our way to the restaurant.

It's funny how true that quote is. I love my husband. I love that we have these silly little things that drive us insane. It keeps the relationship real. Imagine if we stayed in that "honeymoon" period of dating and things never got stressful. How boring would that be? It's Billy's little quirks, like reading Tractor House magazine cover to cover that make me remember why I love him. He's just a little different.

Residents.

First off I want to say that I know that this doesn't apply to every resident in the medical field. In fact, I have a family friend who is in her last rounds of medical school and I know that she is a fantastic doctor. I also know that all doctors have to have, at some point in the career, been a resident. With that said, I will not let another resident touch me during this pregnancy.

As you all know, if your keeping up with the blog, that I was in admitted in the hospital in Duluth and was 1 to 1.5 cm dilated. I was checked by certified doctors and I trust them being that they work at one of the best labor and delivery hospitals in Minnesota. Well, I've been home now for 3 weeks since then and thank God I still have Evie in the womb. I've been in the L&D here in Mason City three times.

The first time I was there I had a FANTASTIC experience. My nurse was so compassionate and I could tell she was both trying to calm me and assure me that I would be okay. I was having contractions every 3 to 5 minutes and when Dr. Tan (again, not a resident) checked me I was 1.5 cm and soft. He was obviously concerned and a little worried that he wasn't going to get labor stopped. Well, thankfully, he did get it stopped. He then told me not to scare him like that again!

The second time I was there I had a horrible nurse who pretty much told me that my contractions weren't very strong and that there weren't enough of them. Then I had a resident check me who I'm not sure spoke more then 10 words of English. He couldn't really explain to me what he was doing or why he was doing it. I left with another shot to stop labor but wasn't sure if I was really in labor or not. Not a real great experience but not horrible.

Today was the third time. Guess what, I got the same nurse, Gloria. Gloria has the bedside manner of a rock. You could tell that she was annoyed that Billy and I had Addie with us. Well, to bad Gloria, we know NO ONE in town to help us watch her. Addie was excellent by the way. She asked me all the questions that they ask and then looked at my paper and said to me, why are you here your contractions aren't that strong. Well, Gloria, I'm here because I haven't felt my baby move in 4 hours and my REAL doctor seemed a little concerned about that and all the pressure I've been feeling for a few days. It was a little dis-en-heartening within the first 10 minutes of being there. So Dr. Deborah was on call. He is from Ghana is super hard to understand but very nice. He told me that the baby looks great and that I'm probably not feeling movements because I am completely out of room. He then told me that a resident was going to come in and check me. Okay, we'll try this again. Then walks in this resident and immediately I recognize her.

She diagnosed Addie wrong with February. She told us that Addie just had a viral infection and would get over it. Three days later I brought Addison back in and she saw a different doctor who told me Addie had croup and a double ear infection that looked like it was pretty severe. Really? Just three days ago she was fine. I was so upset.

Okay, well back to today. I'm feeling a little unsure about this resident. She was so condescending, talking to me like I was a complete idiot. Explaining to me that I feel pressure because Evie's head is low. No shit. That I'm still early to be in labor. I know that too, genius. Then she checks me. First of all, she searched so long for my cervix that I was starting to wonder if she was going to pitch a tent and spend the night. She had the nurse put FOUR towels under my hips and finally found it. Jackpot. She tells the nurse that I am closed, thick and -3. Well, guess what, -3 is impossible because an ultrasound showed that I only have 2 cm not 3 not 4 just 2. I've also had 3 other doctors, graduated, done with their residency, doctors tell me that I am 1-1.5 cm and soft. Ugh. They sent me home telling me that they needed me to make some progress at home.

I have no problem being at home, in fact, I prefer it. Again, I was told by my doctor to go in today. I didn't think I was going into labor but he wasn't so sure. I'm still contracting but until Evie is causing so much pain I can't take it anymore, I'm done going to labor and delivery. And, at my next appointment you can bet I am changing that little sheet of paper that says I'll allow residents to participate in my care. I am done with them. So now I'm home. Counting contractions, fetal movements and the number of times Ali on the bachelorette says the word 'amazing'.

I'm glad that Evie is still in, really, I am. I am anxious to meet her and the way I was starting to feel today I think I'm a little let down. With that said, I'm just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I am not sure how I am going to feel this much pressure and feel like with every step I take a bambino is going to fall out while watching Addison and giving her the love & attention she needs. And let me tell you, she's busy!!

I think the moral of my story is I'm bummed out but waiting patiently. Oh, and NO MORE RESIDENTS.

Random ramblings for today!

I am the only one who is sick of all the political campaigns that are running on TV already? I think they should make some sort of law that the slander and rude commercials cannot be started until September. I mean, that still gives them two entire months to ruin each other's lives. And let's be honest, what you publish on TV about your opponent isn't going to sway my decision. I'm going to do my research on you. I'm going to find out what you've voted for or against and I am going to educate myself with more then the propaganda that you place on TV about your opponent. At least, if I am a responsible American that is what I am going to do.

Here is another random thought. I'm not going to blame BP or the government, although I believe that the government should have stepped in and made BP do something earlier, about the oil spill. Passing blame between the two is a waste of time and obviously not going to solve the issue at hand. But for the sake of BP don't you think they'd turn that webcam off? I mean, is it really helping their cause to show America and the world for that fact the millions of gallons of oil being spilled into the ocean every day? I don't think so. Let's shut it off. It's so depressing. I've never felt so sorry for the people of the gulf coast. Can you imagine what this is doing to their economy? I know we know that people are suffering now but the suffering isn't going to end just because we plug up the hole. This is going to be a suffering that goes on for years, maybe decades and sadly affects more then just the gulf coast. It's very sad.

I haven't been following the national news much lately. It's just to depressing and since I already feel like a beached whale, adding depression to that doesn't sound like a good idea. I have been ready kare11.com quite often though and I've come to realize that a lot of people have been dying in Minneapolis lately. Tons of car accidents, murders, little kids wandering around on bikes being hit. It's starting to make me wonder what's going on. Okay, murders, I get. Not that I think it's okay but unfortunately there will always be someone who is going to go to violence. But the amount of deaths from car accidents seems amazing to me and I've read about a 2 and 5 year old being out at night once which resulted in a hit and run. I don't get it. It's summer and I know that increases the amount of people out and about but why do we lose our sense of caution? I guess I'll keep Addie on her harness when we're in public.

Okay, sorry you have to suffer through my ramblings. My husband is out mowing the lawn and I needed to get my thoughts out to someone!! Have a great night and try, if it's possible, to stay cool!

What a week!

What a week. Apparently Evie has a different motive then Addie did in the womb. Addie's tactic was "stay in as long as possible, it's warm in here" and Evie's is "I'm ready world, let me out!" My view on it is that Evie hears all the fun that Addie and I have together and wants to join in not knowing yet that fun for her is still (hopefully) 6 weeks away!

It all started last Friday, July 2. Billy took a week off and we were all ready to head to the cabin about 45 minutes north of Duluth, MN. I woke up Friday morning with some contractions so we waited around the house for an extra hour or so waiting for them to go away, which they did. We rounded up the dogs and Addie and were on our way. We stopped for lunch and all of a sudden I started having these contractions I couldn't breath through. Weird, but okay. This went on for about 40 minutes before I confessed to Billy that I was having contractions EIGHT minutes apart. We called my doctor and the nurse advised us to get to the closest hospital.

Well, luckily for me, St. Mary's Medical Center in Duluth has one of the best NICU's around. We pulled in around 12:30PM and they started monitoring me. Sure enough, I was dilated to 1/2 25% effaced and soft. They gave me a shot of turbutaline to stop my contractions and watched. Little Evie was persistent and was still trying for her great escape. They decided that I needed to get a series of Betamethasone shots so that if Evie won and came to visit us her lungs would have a better chance at being developed enough for her to breath on her own. I spent the night in the hospital a little peeved that my vacation was being spent in the Birthing Center, since I was only 32 weeks 4 days along. URG.

We are so blessed that we have such amazing friends (or as I call them all FAMILY) in Duluth. It was over 90 degrees on Friday and we had our 4 dogs and a cooler full of cabin yummys in our truck. Not to mention that in the first 5 minutes we were in our room Addison managed to find the 3 nurse call buttons and press them all. I called the Palmstien's and luckily Diane was home. We asked if we could drop the 4 dogs off until mom and dad made it up a few hours later to get them out of the heat. She agreed and was kind enough to offer to take Addison as well. What a relief, I wasn't sure how she was going to survive in my room until 8:30PM when my parents would finally make it to Duluth.

So, back to delivery. I had a bunch of tests done in the first couple hours I was there. One is called a FERN test. They swab you to see if you are leaking amniotic fluid. They put it on a slide and if you are it actually crystallizes to look like a fern. FERN test, negative. Good sign. Next test I had was to see if there was any infections. Infections, negative. Good sign. The last test they did is called a fetal fibronecton next. This tests to see if your chances to deliver in the next two weeks is positive or negative. Fetal Fibronecton, positive. Damn, I was on a roll. Okay, well this is one of those "stupid" pregnancy tests they do where even when positive it doesn't mean you WILL go into labor in the next two weeks, it just means you MIGHT. What the...

So I was admitted. Fed. And told to "get some rest". Have you ever slept in a labor and delivery bed? If not, let me explain how uncomfortable they are. More so then any other hospital bed because there is there crease, right at your butt, that drops out or down for when you do go into labor. There is little to no padding and I'm pretty sure sleeping on the floor would have been more comfortable. Billy lucked out and they rolled him in this nice soft mattress to sleep on. Beats sleeping on the "lazy boy" made of plastic. He laid down to sleep Friday night and snored while I tossed and turned.

My dad was our entertainment for the weekend. He had these "projects" he wanted Billy's help with at the cabin. One was to build a rock wall break and then spread sand on the beach. (Gee, it only took 2.75 grand kids for him to finally give in, I get it) He also LOVES my dogs. Actually, he does really love Toby. Toby is grandpa's favorite. Well, anyway, each time we would call he would ask one of two things: how are you going to get these dogs? OR is Billy going to come to the cabin today? First off, the dogs were the least of our concerns at this point. They were at the lake doing dog things. Chill out. Secondly, my husband isn't leaving the hospital where I am having pre-term labor to hang out with you at the cabin. This literally went on every time we called. Oh dad.

So now it is Saturday and I am feeling great. Expecting that at 5pm I'll get the second of the Betamethasone shots and be on my merry way. I had a wedding to attend after all. My very good friend since I was two, Kurt Johnson, was getting married at his family's cabin and I was not happy that they were going to make me miss it. Well, about noon I started having this pain in my uterus I couldn't control. It literally hit like a ton of bricks and I went from no pain to sobbing in 30 seconds. They couldn't get it under control and ended up giving me another shot of turbutaline and some pain medication. Whew, after an hour I was feeling super drugged but much better. Okay, that was weird. About two hours later I had the same pain. My entire abdomen because hard and I was sobbing. This time I got through it on my own and fell asleep. Five o'clock came and I got my second shot and grim news. I wasn't going home. I continued to contract but nothing was really happening. They withheld food from me on Saturday because they couldn't explain why I was having these horrible pains. The words, "exploratory surgery" came up a couple times and it made me a little nervous. Well, all in all they decided I needed to fart. Seriously. Stop laughing. They thought that all the medications had caused a build up of gas and I needed to get it out. They gave me this horrible cocktail to drink and told me to see what happened.

I'll tell you what happened. I burped and farted for about 15 minutes and had some sweet relief. Beats surgery.

Sunday morning came and I had decided I didn't care what they said two things were happening: one, I was being discharged two, I was going to the cabin. The doctor wanted me to drive ALL the way back to Iowa thinking then I was closer to a hospital. WRONG. I am an hour away from Mercy because of all the road construction. From the cabin to St. Mary's is 45 minutes. I begged, pleaded and explained that I felt I would have my parents around if I went to the cabin which was better for me. They finally agreed. YES! So, Sunday I was discharged and Billy and I were on our way to the cabin.

We enjoyed our time with Addie in the lake. She loves the water. She also loves her daddy. Whew, she didn't care that I wanted to hug her and had missed her more then anything. She put her hands out right to daddy. ALL WEEKEND. It was like I didn't birth her, I didn't feed her, I didn't exist. Oh well, gotta let Billy have his glory when he can. We took a few pontoon rides, Dad did his fourth of July fireworks and we played pfifer. It was so nice to relax in the sun. I followed all the rules and felt pretty good while we were there. Had a few episodes of contractions but I took my pills and they went away.

We got back from the cabin, without Addie, on Tuesday. About 4:30 I started peeing literally every 5 minutes. It would just keep coming and I started to wonder in my water broke. Well, finally about 6:30 I called the nurse line and explained my situation. She wanted me to go in. We drove the hour ride to the hospital both extremely calm. I had this weird feeling this was the day. We got to the Birthing Center and within 15 minutes I was hooked up to an IV, had blood drawn, was checked to find out I was 1/2 to 1 and on the monitors. My contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart. I kept saying, um, I have a lot of pressure like I wanna push which I am pretty sure freaked my nurse out! I was given another shot of turbutaline and we waited. Nothing happened. Well, let me rephrase that, my contractions didn't stop and actually were progressively getting more painful. I was shaking (side effect from the drug) begging for heartburn meds and in labor. Good lord, it wasn't suppose to happen like this. Okay, shot number two. Sweet relief. The doctor came in and told me not to scare him like that again! He was very reassuring that things were under control now and we could go home to get some rest. He had two instructions for me. Stay horizontal and no sex. Trust me buddy, you don't have to worry about the latter.

My appointment on Thursday showed a slight change in my cervix to 1.5cm but nothing they were overly concerned about. Dr. Tan informed me that if I continued to change that I would be put in the hospital on bed rest. As he explained to me, "I can deliver any size or age baby, it's what I have to do with that baby when it comes out that concerns me". In other words, you are not ready to deliver. Thursday night was a good night. We relaxed at home, watched TV and went through a few more boxes. I woke up on Friday feeling great. I cleaned the kitchen, did some stuff in Addison's room, washed some clothes. I even showered, shaved my legs and did my hair. Billy and I went out for a nice dinner and then they hit. I took my pills to stop the contractions but it didn't seem to be helping. We went back to the hospital.

Last night I received another shot of turbutaline and it stopped my contractions all together! I was put on a special monitor that tracks interference and my uterus never stops having really short spasms. It basically means that I will probably still go early but that a lot of the contractions I am having aren't really "doing" a lot to progress labor, which is good, just annoying. I was taken off my restrictions today except no sex, no heavy lifting and no exercising. We decided that we are going to go to Whiz Bang Day parade tomorrow in our old neighborhood to see some friends after we pick Addie up from Grammy Penny. I'm not sure who is going to be more sad, Addie or Grammy.

I'll keep you posted but we're hoping for at least 3 more weeks in the cooker before we meet little Evie. This week has definitely made her a lot more "real" and I am getting so anxious to meet my little devil! Another head strong girl, hmm...paybacks?

Team America!

It's America's birthday on Sunday. There is something about the fourth of July that gets me every year. I'm not sure if it's the traditions, the fireworks or the relaxation that it brings but it's close to my favorite holiday.

We've spent every fourth of July at the cabin since I can remember. Dad always buys a large array of fireworks and we relax in the yard and shoot them off. Well, most of us relax! If my mom wasn't there chasing dogs, telling my dad to be careful for the 1,000th time and worrying about waking the baby it wouldn't be the fourth.

I am a proud American. I am proud of what our country stands for, or what it stood for. Lately I've been disappointed in the direction of our country. It is no longer founded on the principles our founding fathers expected. It seems to have lost the "We the people" mentality and politicians are now into what they can get out of the deal. It's sad to watch our country lose everything we have to money hungry people.

This fourth of July, I am going to celebrate my freedoms. I am going to say a prayer for all those amazing men and women fighting for the continuance of my freedom and I am going to ask God to help us get back to where America is supposed to be. I'm also going to enjoy watching Addison's expression to her first fireworks show by Grampy Tom, lay in the sun and thank God that within the next month I am going to be a mother of two little girls.

Life is good. Go America

T-6 days and closer to Minnesota

We're getting closer!! T-6 days until the big move. I have to admit that I am overly tired, can't remember my name or phone number and really need this to just be over! This weekend was jammed packed with moving. We spent all of Saturday at the new house. Billy finished painting the living room and priming the fourth bedroom while I unpacked the kitchen and put everything away as well as cleaning the floors. Today Billy painted the fourth bedroom and laying the carpet while I cleaned the carpet in the living room, scrubbed the kitchen floor, and painted trim in the bedrooms. I'm beat.

We have a lot let to do in the old house. I am supposed to be finishing up Addie's room. Billy is going to bring a load over to the house in the morning before work so I want to get a bunch of stuff ready for him. It's nice that he heads up that way every day for work. Hopefully it will make Saturday and Sunday move a little faster.

My goal is that when Mom and Dad get here on Saturday all we'll have left to move are the large items like beds, entertainment centers and couches. We should have Addie and Evie rooms set up before Saturday so that will help a lot too. It's pretty overwhelming moving into such a small house. I'm still trying to figure out where everything is going to go but I know we'll get all settled in and it'll be fine.

Our landlord here is going to be checking the house on July 1st which is sort of helpful since we should be moved out by the 28th and I'll have a couple days to make sure this house is completely clean. When we moved in this house was barely clean. We ended up doing A LOT of cleaning before we could put our stuff away. It was so frustrating so I am going to make sure it is in tip-top shape. Also, I want to make sure that he doesn't try to say we owe him anything for damages. We are definitely leaving the house in better shape then we found it!

So, all in all, I have 6 days to finish up cleaning and moving. Whew! Hopefully tomorrow when I go to the OB I don't find out that I need to go on bed rest. I'll be honest, I've done a little more then I probably should, but in my defense, I took a lot of breaks and anytime I felt like I was doing to much I'd find something easier to do.

T-6 days! I'm anxious to get out of Mason Shitty. On to Northwood, still Iowa but at least a little closer to the great state of Minnesota!

T-10 Days

And we're off...

Moving day is 10 days away. The "new" house is almost completely painted and awaiting our arrival. We have the living room and one bedroom left to paint and then it's over, finally. However, the "old" house is in no condition to say we're ready to move. We found out 5 days ago we were going to be allowed to break our lease and be out by July 1st. Let's say the word overwhelmed has passed through my mouth a few times.

I can't do much. I'm great at planning, organizing and directing but there is no one to do the work during the day since Billy is at work and I'm on restrictions. Did you know that a box with plates and bowls in it was more then five pounds? Heck, a box of Addison's clothes weighs more then five pounds. I'm on a five pound restriction. I've been a little lax on following it until tonight. I bent down to pick up my 25 lb daughter and my back went out like a 90 year old, my contractions hit like a brick and I almost dropped the daughter who was already sobbing. Yep, I'll listen now. It just limits what I can do which makes getting ready to move extremely overwhelming.

We've talked about getting people to help but I almost find that harder then us doing it ourselves. I mean let's be honest, we packed our entire house in Robbinsdale in one week and moved from Minnesota to Iowa, I'm pretty sure we can move 30 minutes away when we have 10 days! Easy-peasy! My husband is crabby but trying to keep a smile on his face as I remind him that when he gets home from work the packing begins, the baby needs a bath, I need him to carry this to here and that to there and dinner dishes need to be put away. He's not over-worked or overwhelmed, I'm sure of it!! Tonight was the first time I've ever sensed just how burnt out he's become when he said to me, "remind me to never have sex with you again, I can't stand you being pregnant". I know he meant it with love and frankly I have to agree with him! This pregnancy isn't exactly what we were expecting since with Addison I worked, as a hairstylist, on my feet, until she was born. Oh well, 9 weeks left!

So here we are. It's 10:47 on T-10 days and we have zero boxes packed, lots of piles made and a lot of garbage. T-9 days is looking hopeful that I'll get my closet packed, it helps I can fit in like 3 shirts hanging there, and possibly start on Addie's room. He'll come home and have to move boxes but it's one less thing I'll have to ask him to do.

Say a prayer we make it. Say another one that Evie stays in during the next 10 days and lastly say one that my husband doesn't leave me while I'm sleeping!! That's a joke, he wouldn't know what to do without me!

It's starting to get personal.

Maybe it's the fact that I am pregnant and overly emotional, although I would beg to differ, or maybe I am actually being rational about my feelings but I am so sick of people trying to make me feel guilty for my thoughts, feelings or opinions.

Billy and I felt pressured after having Addison that we needed to allow people to visit constantly and it wore me out. My parents were there at the birth and my mom stayed until I returned home from the hospital, leaving our first day back to let us adjust. She and dad then returned once or twice in the first 6 weeks to help out since I was having a hard time. Billy's parents and brother also came about 4 weeks after her birth. We felt like we needed to entertain them since his parents often seem bored just hanging around the house. His mom and dad wanted to go to the Minneapolis Institute of Art and feeling obligated we went. We walked around for the upwards of 5 hours and then went out to dinner. I was so tired and sore that when we got home I took Addie into the bedroom, fed her and fell asleep. It was so overwhelming and stressful that we've made a decision that we're being criticized about.

After Evie's birth we are asking that no one visit for overnight visits for the first 6 weeks, or until we are up to it. There is one exception, my mom will be at Evie's birth and stay with Addie until I return from the hospital. But, much like with Addie, my mom will return home on my first day out of the hospital. There are a few reasons for this decision. First, I want to make sure that I have the adequate amount of time that I need to bond with Evie. I want to feel comfortable breast feeding her before I have to do it in front of people. Secondly, I want Addison to understand that it is going to be the four of us forever now. I want her to get used to the crying, changing, and tired mommy, daddy and sister she is going to have. Third, I want to heal, both physically and emotionally, before having to host people in my home. Our new home is very small and there isn't going to be a lot of privacy when there are visitors. I want to make sure I am ready to have people around constantly and last pregnancy I wasn't quite there yet. And lastly, this pregnancy has really worn me and Billy out. We've been dealing with a lot of tests, unknowns and changes and we just want time to be a family.

There are people who have told us that it "isn't fair" we won't allow them to see the baby right after her birth. That it is selfish that I would "withhold" her. It isn't personal. It isn't like I've told one person that they can't come and the rest of the world is being invited. I'm being mutually exclusive on my NO VISITING policy. Male, female, grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend, your not welcome until we are ready. Sorry if you think we are being rude but it's our decision and you have to respect it.

It's funny how people will give you their opinion on everything. We've been told by someone who will be important in Evie's life that they "aren't crazy" about her name. I wanted to say to them, I didn't ask your opinion and I'm not crazy about your name either but instead I kept my mouth shut. I, personally, don't love the names of some of my friends children but I wouldn't ever tell them that. I'm not naming the kid. I don't have to call the kid by the awful name you just gave them. I don't have to deal with the teasing they are going to get when they are in school with a name like "fill in the blank". So it's not my place to tell you that I hate your kids name.

I needed to get this off my chest, obviously. My husband laughs and tells me I need to let it roll off my shoulders, which is probably true, but I just can't. I want to slap people sometimes and tell them to mind their own business. That it's not my job to accommodate them after my pregnancy and to get over themselves. But instead, I just try to stay polite and explain over and over again that it's not personal, although, maybe it's starting to be.

The small simple memories

I was five, maybe six. Mom and I walked through the woods trying to find the lake. We finally called out to my dad who told us to "imagine" the cabin being here and all these trees being gone. Weekend after weekend of my dad clearing hundreds of trees, planting grass and building a structure, we had a cabin. There were a few trips up where we didn't have walls, years without a indoor bathroom or running water and decades of memories.



Our cabin is on a man made lake and the bottom isn't sandy. It's more like mucky, gooey, slimy mud between your feet. There are leeches and craw fish if you get to deep in the muck but it's still so fun. The beach is much nicer now. Dad brought in loads of sand and rock to help the sinking sensation when you went into the water. He has done a lot of work to make it perfect for my mom and us kids. I'm pretty sure my mom still won't go in without her water shoes but it's really not that bad anymore.



There are so many memories at the cabin. We've gone through a paddle boat, row boat, and speed boat. We're on the second pontoon and we've gone from no 4-wheelers to 4 4-wheelers. My parents have supplied the ingredients for a great childhood and it was.



I learned how to fish and water ski. I drove my first boat. I pulled my dad skiing. I buried a dog. I've had a lot of amazing times at the cabin. I wanted to have my wedding there but we couldn't accommodate all the people! I spent many birthdays at the cabin often complaining about how I had to spend another birthday away from my friends, secretly loving that I was on the lake and had my parents undivided attention the entire day. The cabin was a vacation from cellphones, emails, work calls and friends. It was amazing family time.

We took Addison to the cabin a few times last summer but she was much to small to appreciate it's goodness for the soul. We decided that we were going to do our best to spend as much time as possible there this summer and it started with Memorial day weekend. We were lucky enough to have our house closing land on Friday so we got to the cabin with plenty of daylight left. I let Addie lead me to the lake where she didn't hesitate and walked, clothes on, into the lake to play! My daughter is a fish! She spent every moment we would allow her in the water. She floated, splashed, picked up rocks, threw rocks, ate dirt and had a lot of fun. She went on a pontoon boat ride and fell asleep! She got her first sunburn and had her first fish fry.

It's amazing to watch the memories be created with her. I am looking forward to teaching her how to water ski, fish and drive a boat. I can't wait to roast marsh mellows with her and tell her ghost stories. I can't wait for her to get back from a muddy 4-wheel ride with Billy and tell me all about it. I also can't wait for her to then teach Evie all the things she learned at the the cabin. It's amazing that this small, simple building could hold all these memories. It will always hold the best memory of them all, my dad's sweat, love and passion in each nail in that place.