The small simple memories

I was five, maybe six. Mom and I walked through the woods trying to find the lake. We finally called out to my dad who told us to "imagine" the cabin being here and all these trees being gone. Weekend after weekend of my dad clearing hundreds of trees, planting grass and building a structure, we had a cabin. There were a few trips up where we didn't have walls, years without a indoor bathroom or running water and decades of memories.



Our cabin is on a man made lake and the bottom isn't sandy. It's more like mucky, gooey, slimy mud between your feet. There are leeches and craw fish if you get to deep in the muck but it's still so fun. The beach is much nicer now. Dad brought in loads of sand and rock to help the sinking sensation when you went into the water. He has done a lot of work to make it perfect for my mom and us kids. I'm pretty sure my mom still won't go in without her water shoes but it's really not that bad anymore.



There are so many memories at the cabin. We've gone through a paddle boat, row boat, and speed boat. We're on the second pontoon and we've gone from no 4-wheelers to 4 4-wheelers. My parents have supplied the ingredients for a great childhood and it was.



I learned how to fish and water ski. I drove my first boat. I pulled my dad skiing. I buried a dog. I've had a lot of amazing times at the cabin. I wanted to have my wedding there but we couldn't accommodate all the people! I spent many birthdays at the cabin often complaining about how I had to spend another birthday away from my friends, secretly loving that I was on the lake and had my parents undivided attention the entire day. The cabin was a vacation from cellphones, emails, work calls and friends. It was amazing family time.

We took Addison to the cabin a few times last summer but she was much to small to appreciate it's goodness for the soul. We decided that we were going to do our best to spend as much time as possible there this summer and it started with Memorial day weekend. We were lucky enough to have our house closing land on Friday so we got to the cabin with plenty of daylight left. I let Addie lead me to the lake where she didn't hesitate and walked, clothes on, into the lake to play! My daughter is a fish! She spent every moment we would allow her in the water. She floated, splashed, picked up rocks, threw rocks, ate dirt and had a lot of fun. She went on a pontoon boat ride and fell asleep! She got her first sunburn and had her first fish fry.

It's amazing to watch the memories be created with her. I am looking forward to teaching her how to water ski, fish and drive a boat. I can't wait to roast marsh mellows with her and tell her ghost stories. I can't wait for her to get back from a muddy 4-wheel ride with Billy and tell me all about it. I also can't wait for her to then teach Evie all the things she learned at the the cabin. It's amazing that this small, simple building could hold all these memories. It will always hold the best memory of them all, my dad's sweat, love and passion in each nail in that place.

Marriage is just like childbirth

Monday marks Billy and my second wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that in the past two years we've birthed and raised a kid to a healthy 15 months and we are months away from birthing another. We've moved from Minnesota to Iowa. Billy has had two companies lay him off and I've become a stay at home mom. The past two years have brought stress, changes, adjusting, compromising and a lot of prayers.

Our wedding day was probably the second best day of my life. It was a beautiful day for May, hot actually. The sun shown down and the clouds gave us just enough of a break from the heat. The ceremony went without a hitch, except for the deacon mispronouncing our last name and the golf course was beautiful. Our wedding party was fantastic. My sister-in-law was such a trooper, helping me with everything I needed, 8 months pregnant.

It was a party. All our friends and family were there. It was a night filled with celebrating Billy and I joining our life together. It was filled with drinking and dancing. Socializing and singing. My 87 year old grandpa Frank danced all night, even with a bad knee and entertained all of us. The boys from Duluth took turns reminding Billy that if he ever hurt me they'd hurt him. I danced with my dad, my new husband and all my friends. It was, in essence, the start of a beautiful life together.

As most of you know, I got the shock of a lifetime nine days after our wedding day. I was so tired on our honeymoon. I wanted to sleep and Billy was starting to get frustrated with me. I couldn't figure out why I was so tired and didn't even want to share a glass of wine with my husband. When we got home the feeling didn't go away. In fact, at work one day I almost fell asleep coloring a friends hair. I went home that day, took a pregnancy test and to my surprise it was positive. I called Billy and told him and he didn't believe me! He picked up another one on the way home and that one was positive too! Nine months later, okay, eight, we welcomed Addison Grace into our lives.

We've been through a lot these past two years. Billy's been laid off twice and we've moved to Iowa. We've really had to learn how to count on one another for support. It's been harder for me to remember that what my parents think or say doesn't matter, as much, anymore. We have faced bumps in the road. There have been times where one of us wants to give up and leave but we've made a promise to never give up on each other. We're still learning how to fight fair and we're learning how to make up. We've realized that there are somethings you just don't need to say and others that just aren't going to change.

Marriage really is work. It's hard work. No one said it would be easy. It's funny how we think that we love each other so it'll work out. We don't see it for what it really is: two separate people with separate opinions joining their lives, hearts, DNA and money to create one new person. Of course it's hard.

I am glad that two years ago I made the right decision and married my husband. I am excited to see where the next 50 years brings us. I am sure someday I will look back and think it wasn't that hard. Maybe marriage is like childbirth, we forget just how hard it is otherwise, who'd do it.

Oh Thursday.

It's hot here. Addie has an upper respiratory infection. I am on restrictions. Life is crazy.

I sort of feel like last Thursday life came unhitched. I got the news from the doctor that my cervix is shortening and that I am no longer allowed to pick up my daughter or anything else more then 5lbs for that matter. Really? Okay. No big deal. Addison is a bright, independent 15 month old who, let's face it, really doesn't like to be cuddled or held anyway. If she needs a little loving all she has to do it crawl onto the couch and we'll cuddle our little hearts out. When she needs to be put to bed or hoisted up for any other reason, Billy can do it. We'll get through these next 10-14 weeks easy.

Thursday night, Addie got extremely sick. It started as a fever of 103.5 with no signs of letting up. She tossed and turned at night but I figured it was just teeth and we'd be over it by Saturday. Friday came and there was still a temp but she acted normal. Played, ate, drank, napped all in the same routine as other teething experiences. Then Friday night rolled around. We tried to put her down around 8 PM and she just screamed. Figuring she wasn't feeling good we laid her in our bed and watched tv with her hoping she'd fall asleep and we'd be set for the night. Funny. I was up with Addie until 2:30AM when I finally woke my husband up and he was on duty. They remained awake from 2:30 t0 about 7 when I relieved him again. She slept in my arms maybe an hour and then was up until 7PM! She wanted to be rocked, held, cuddled, picked up, set down and picked back up again. Today is Monday and I am pretty sure I've blown the idea of restriction out of the water. I've tried to tell her no but when her little arms go up and her sad baby blues look you in the eyes it's hard to not cuddle her.

On top of it all, it's so hot here. The car read 98 although I think that may have been a little cooler then that. It's hot in our house as we only have window AC units and it is trying to keep up with the heat. Our bedroom is nice and cool so we've spent the majority of the day playing in there. This is just a suggestion to anyone who thinks about getting pregnant in December, DON'T DO IT!! It was much easier with Addison when I was 3 month pregnant over this one being 7 months pregnant. Carrying around the extra weight and feeling like I have to cover myself up to not blind people from the white beached whale at the pool is tiring!!

All in all, it's been a bit crazy here since Thursday. I love being a mom but I think I could use a break for a couple weeks. Maybe one of my teacher friends would want to come and take care of Addie and me!! Hint Hint!

Getting Back to the Basics

I've been trying to decide if I should write this blog or not for a while. It may give away my political stance and it definitely will offend someone. I decided that I had to because I think that this issue is being made into a bigger deal then it is and I am so sick of hearing about it on TV.

Arizona's Immigration Law.

I am pretty open-minded. I have a stance on this based on fact (reading the bill), reason and personal opinion. It is a fact that our boarders with Mexico are unprotected and unsafe. Arizona and Texas might as well be part of Mexico and vice versa. I have a brother and two brother-in-laws who serve our country and fight for our freedom as Americans. Although none of my brothers have given up their lives, David was injured in Iraq and is no longer able to use his hand to it's full capacity. I believe that freedom doesn't come free and I respect and admire those who fight to preserve what is left of our country. I am also the great-granddaughter of a Mexican immigrant. I am not sure how or when my great-grandma Tilly was given her green card but I am sure that she wasn't here legally to begin with. With that, here is my opinion.

There are a few issues that I am going to touch on because they are the ones that are being brought up over and over again in the news. First I am going to talk about racial profiling. Let's get real here, before, during or after this law passed, if a police officer wanted to profile they did. We all profile. I do it, you do it and your innocent 90 year old grandma does it. Be honest. I don't think that this law is going to really change the racial police officers, and yes, I do believe their are some out there. I do believe that it is going to give police a better chance of keeping our streets safe by, after conducting a traffic stop or an arrest for another reason, asking someone to prove their identity. And really, does it change what already should be happening?

Here is my point. If you are here legally what is there to be concerned about? You're being asked to carry your immigration paper work or your legal US ID card. I am 100 percent an American citizen. I was born in Duluth, MN and I've lived in the USA my entire life. I am asked to carry my ID when I drive a car, I'm asked for it at the liquor store, I'm asked for it at the bar, and I'm asked for it when I board a plane. I don't find it a burden (except when I lost it and was supposed to fly the next day to Oklahoma) to carry my ID with me at all times. Why is it a big deal for LEGAL immigrants to carry theirs? They get pulled over, they are asked for their papers, they give it to the cop and the go on their way with a speeding ticket. Same thing would happen to me.

Now, if you are ILLEGAL, I can see the problem with this. All of a sudden you feel like you are constantly being watched, which, you probably are. You're not supposed to be here. This gets sticky for me because I understand a lot of illegal aliens are here to try to support their families back in Mexico and my heart breaks for these people, however, freedom doesn't come free. If we allow every person who wants to work for their family to come to America we'd be losing everything our founding father's believed in.

And here's the catch, (there are actually two) if you are here illegally and you're doing nothing wrong, you won't get caught. When President Obama said that, "Now police can stop you while you go to the ice cream store and ask for IDs" he was wrong, unless you were doing something to get pulled over. Once again, Mr. Obama didn't do his research. (Don't get me started on this idiot) The other catch is, if you tell the police that you don't speak English and he/she doesn't speak Spanish, they have to let you go. Wow, sounds like brutality to me.

I'm sorry but I truly feel that by Arizona passing this law they are just reinforcing the laws we already had. I am pretty sure that for as long as most can remember there have been immigration laws. You are not supposed to be here without a green card and although I know they are expensive and hard to come by, it's what keeps or at least kept our country amazing. I'm finding it hard to look at this law as anything more then a "reorganization" if you will of things that should have been happening anyway. It's just Arizona getting back to the basics.

Daddy's and Monday's

I woke up today after a restless night of sleep oddly well rested. I know, that makes no sense but it's true. I tossed and turned all night trying to find a position that was comfortable to both me and Evelyn. When I finally fell into a deep sleep Billy's alarm went off rudely reminding me that it again was Monday and time for real life to start. No more family time spent at zoo's and playing in the back yard. It was more mommy and me time for Addison. Luckily, she only looked for Daddy twice today.

Monday plays this funny game with Addison just as much as it does with us adults. She wakes up on Mondays to me, which is a change from the weekend when Daddy takes morning duty. She always looks at me oddly and says, "dada". After we change her diaper, brush our teeth and do our hair she goes around the house saying, "dada" , secretly hoping that he'll answer. When he doesn't she normally walks up to the computer and says dada again. We call him on Yahoo messenger and all is well again.

It's funny to me how true it is that little girls love their Daddies. Addie thinks that her dad is the best thing since sliced bread. She loves when he plays with her, she mimics his every move and she often wants him when she gets hurt. Most days I think this is amazing and love watching the two of them playing tea party or dolls. I think it's precious when he tells her how beautiful or strong he thinks she is. But, I also must admit that there are times it breaks my heart that she doesn't want me anymore.

It used to be me she'd go to when she cried. Me who would rock her to sleep. Me who got her milk and made her meals. It was me who was her main support system. But, since she's been able to make decisions she's decided that Daddy is pretty cool. And I have to agree, he is probably more fun then I am. I mean, the only time he disciplines her is when I tell him too! She knows that all she has to do is give him a big smile and he'll get over whatever it is she just did. Deep down though, I know she still needs me. I know that without me she wouldn't have the love, attention or food she needs. I also know, which is most important, Dad's really do have an amazing way of giving us girls the affirmation that we need to grow into strong women.

Addison's Big Zoo Adventure

Yesterday was an amazing family day for us. We drove to the Twin Cities to go to the Minnesota Zoo and spent about 5 1/2 hours looking at animals and walking around. It was a long and tiring day but Addison seemed to enjoy it and I know Billy and I did. Addie is definitely a child after her father's heart. Her favorite part of the zoo wasn't all the dolphins, the tigers or the monkeys. Addie loved the farm animals. She loved touching the sheep and the 1 month old piglets and watching the cow milking demonstration. So, we drove two hours for her to play with farm animals when we could've drove 10 minutes for that!

We thought that on our way back Addie would crash and burn and sleep the entire two hours because that was my plan too. I was so tired. I wanted to nap on the way home since I knew that I had to finish dinner when we got home. Instead, Addie's plan was to giggle, talk and scream in a pitch I didn't know anything other then a exotic animal could produce. It was a long two hours but we survived it by feeding her crackers and playing peek-a-boo.

Then I figured that we got home we'd eat the pot roast I had in the crock pot and then our little girl would snuggle up and go to bed. WRONG AGAIN MOM. Addison played and giggled. Watch the kids across the street jump on their trampoline while yelling at them. She played swords with her dad for about 20 minutes and watched Bull Riding with us while laying on the floor. She crawled on Billy's back and wanted to be bucked off and never showed a sign of pure exhaustion.

How do kids do it? How do they find every bit of energy left in their little tiny bodies to fight sleep. I've never had that talent. As a child I used to go into the family room and ask my mom or dad if they would "put me to sleep now". I've always loved to nap and still find that sleeping is such an enjoyable time for me. I love being wrapped up in my blankets with the fan blowing cool air on me and drifting off into dreamland. Ahh. I wish that I had the determination that Addie does. I also wish that everyday could be our family day. Yesterday was a day I'll never forget.

Update on Evie

I thought I would update anyone who is reading this on my pregnancy. It's been so different then what I went through and felt with Addison, which makes this so special. First things first, I am 25 weeks 2 days along. I had a doctor appointment yesterday and measured at 27 weeks which is actually 3 weeks bigger then I measured last time I was at the doctor.

Evie is still ahead weight wise by about 3 weeks and I am torn as to what to do about delivery. My primary doctor thinks that we should induce at 36 weeks if Evie looks like she is going to be a giant. I agree that I do not what to deliver another 10 pound baby but I also want to insure that Evie is healthy and takes all the time she needs to grow strong. My biggest concern is that the textbooks say that an induction should not be done until 39 weeks for the development of lungs. My heart is torn but I've delivered a 10 pound baby before so I know I can do it again.

The next concern they are facing, again, is that I am pouring over a large amount of protein into my urine. They want your urine to be at 0 when they test it at your appointment and mine has ranged from +2 to +4 which is extremely high. At first one would think that I would also be having swollen feet, hands and face and high blood pressure but I'm not. My blood pressure is low and I have no other signs of preclampsia which is why they are concerned. There is no other safe reason why I am pouring this much protein over. So, I under went some blood tests and am waiting for the results.

The doctors think that I possibly have renal (kidney) failure which they are suspecting is a result from undergoing chemotherapy. They have ordered my charts again from the cancer center to go through them a little closer to see if there are any tests that were ever run on my kidneys. I am not sure where this will go but I would appreciate any prayers you could spare that this is not the case. If I do have renal failure the doctor informed me that I have a much higher chance of being put on bed rest and going into labor early.

Evie is moving around like crazy. She rarely takes a break from kicking! She is very low and gets the hiccups a lot, which I feel in my butt! It's absolutely the weirdest feeling ever. She must recognize Addie's screams because she really gets moving in the mornings when Addie is laying by us. My belly grew 7 inches from last month to this month and I gained 9 pounds! I am almost at my starting pregnancy weight.

I love that my pregnancy is different with Evie then it was with Addie. It makes me remember that even though they are sisters and both were grown in the same place they are very different. Hopefully, I will remember once Evie is here her and Addison aren't going to do things at the same time, have the same temperament or personality. I am very excited to meet this little baby who is causing all this ruckus in my belly!!

Getting Real with Me

It's days like today that remind me that I am human. Where raw emotion comes through and you remember what it's like to feel again. I had a plethora of emotions go through my body today. Fear. Sadness. Happiness. Honesty. It all felt so real for the first time in a while.

I decided that today was the day to get real with the fact that I am down right depressed. Not in a, whoa is me kinda a way, more in a I hate everything about my situation kinda way. It needs to change but I am at a loss as to what to do or where to start. I know that it's real emotion because I got real with me. I realized that trying to explain this to Billy was redundant and not getting me anywhere. He knows that I don't like where we live, he knows that I am lonely and he knows that I really miss life 8 months ago.

It all hit me when I was trying to make plans with my mom. I've been desperately needing her lately. I need her to hug me, to tell me it's going to be okay and to be there for me. Yet, in some weird way, I didn't want to tell her how I was feeling. She's got a lot going on right now and I didn't want her to worry about me too. Today I decided that I couldn't hold back anymore. I broke down, told her I've been really sad lately and I'm nervous that I'm pregnant and feeling this way. She reassured me that it's okay to feel this way. And that well it's true that I feel all those things because they are real I have to do something to change it.

My mom always reminds me that I have support. Although we may not always agree on everything she is always there to give me a hug, let me cry my tears and get me over my hump. She reminded me of the things I knew but couldn't remember. She told me the things I needed to hear but didn't want too. She was there, again.

It made me feel alive for the first time in a while feeling those emotions. I've been waking up, taking care of Addison, feeding my family and going to bed everyday for months now. I've been kissing owies, listening to work problems or successes and zoning out. I think I knew that I was sad so instead of dealing with it I dealt with everything else. Today, I had to face it head on and it felt so good. These feelings may not be desirable to deal with but they are real and like I've said before, I need to get real with me.

Have You Seen My Patience?

Patience is a virtue. I normally have it. Today, I don't.

It's amazing how a couple small things can really throw you off your game. I'm going to out my husband here, but it's my blog and I can do what I want, right. Okay, well he didn't do anything for Mother's day. No card, no breakfast in bed, no present, nothing. Instead, I woke up to a messy living room. I came downstairs hoping there was a card waiting for me, but there wasn't. I was hurt. I do a lot for this family but he couldn't "find the time" to get me a card. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if this was the first time this had happened but I've never had a birthday cake, a party, or a "birthday I remember" since I've known Billy. He on the other hand has had several birthday parties, cakes, balloons, presents. I give him everything I want. I'm not going to lie, I was really really hurt and I cried a good portion of the morning. I thought I would wake up today and be over it but I'm just not.

I blame him but only to a certain extent. It's hard for me to remember that he grew up with a dad who never did anything for his wife. In fact, last year we were all together on Mary's (my mother in law) birthday and I was the only one who got her a card. When I gave it to her his reaction literally was to ask me WHY I gave her a card. I reminded him that it was her birthday and he goes, oh, it is. Wow. I grew up with a different kind of dad. My dad never forgot Mother's day, anniversaries or birthdays. My dad, at the very minimum, got my mom a card. I wasn't expecting a lot yesterday, I know we can't afford it, but breakfast made for me or a card with a little scribble from Addison would have gone a long way.

I know I need to let this go but it's really thrown me off my game. I normally seethe patience, especially for Addison, out of my pores. Today, I have none. She woke up screaming and instead of heeding my advice to my husband of "just give her a paci" he picked her up, changed her and brought her into our room. Really, it's 6:15am. I laid her back down and she cried, screamed and threw her blankets out of her bed. After 25 minutes I realized that we weren't going back to bed so we got up, I made her eggs and sat her in her highchair. She then picked up the plate and threw it all on the floor. Instant timeout. Mama don't play that. I set her on the chair and picked up the food, looked over and she was sound asleep. Really?!

My patience is one thing I pride myself on. She can normally press my buttons to lengths I didn't know were possible without me breaking, at least not in front of her. The same is true with my husband. I can normally get over the little things he does or doesn't do that bother me: not ever closing the shower curtain, leaving the toilet seat up, having farming magazines scattered across the living room but not today. Today all those things have built up inside me and I've lost my patience. Today is going to be one of those days. I'm hoping that between now and whenever Addie wakes up my patience comes back. I hope that before my husband gets home from work I get over the actions of yesterday. I know it'll pass and I'll be back to my normal self soon but for right now I'm not.

Mother's Day a little early

I started out writing this profound blog about mom's and how amazing they are. I was going to tell you that even if you never knew or no longer have your mom there is someone who acts as your mom. I was going to tell you all about our plans and how I miss my mom. But instead I am going to write something simple. To the point and honest.

My mom is amazing. She has been by my side through all my trials and tribulations. She has celebrated all my accomplishments no matter their size. She has shown me how to love unconditionally, support even when you don't agree and find courage even when you aren't sure how. My mom rocks. I am so glad that I still have her and I can't imagine what it will be like the day I don't.

For new moms: Enjoy this time with your little bundle. I miss Addie being that little. It wasn't that long ago that I held her in my arms, swaddled her up and fed her from my breast. I miss it. I am lucky enough to get to do it all again soon with Evie but it will never be the same as the first experience. Write everything down. It's really true that you do forget. Most importantly, Happy 1st Mother's Day. Welcome to the best club in the world.

To Addison: I am the proudest Mamama of them all. You are incredibly smart. You always know when I need a smooch or a smile. You throw your temper tantrums in private and show off in public. You never cease to amaze me with what you know, think and feel. Thank you for blessing my life. I'm honored I get to be by your side while you grow in life. Please remember that I love you, always. You are the best little girl a mommy could ask for.

Grandma's: Grandma Jan, I am lucky enough to still have you. You are a strong woman who I admire from afar. Although we don't talk often or see each other much I want you to know that I love you. Grandma Grace, how I miss you. I wish that I would have had more then 6 years of my life with you. You influenced me greatly and I am proud that little Addison carries on your name. I think about you a lot and I appreciate the love, kindness and example that you showed my mom.

Today is the day to thank a mom. A mom's work is never done. It's never easy and it's always draining. Remember to tell the mom in your life that you love her, appreciate her and give her a hug.

Happy Mother's Day to all my mother friends out there. It's a fun club to be a part of.

Mother Nature

It's wet and cold outside. It's a beautiful day for the month of April, you know the saying, "April showers bring May flowers" only problem is, it is May. It's been a weird spring here in Mason City. It's been unusually warm in March and April and now today there is a chance for snow. That's not right, Mother Nature. Did you forget to change the dial on your clock here?

Nature is much like life, unpredictable. We expect that by May we can be done with sweatshirts and jeans and move on to capri's and short sleeve shirts. We've tucked away our winter coats and replaced them with sunscreen and baseball caps. We don't expect snow in May. As with life we expect that certain things are going to happen in a certain order. I've packed away Addie's "baby" toys, her bottles and her little blankets that would only cover her legs now. I've been trying to prepare her for her little sister to come and take over my attention, energy and a lot of Addison's "things". And as of late it isn't going as planned.

Addison has reverted back to wanting to sleep in her crib. I'll put her in her twin bed and she'll slither out and walk to the crib and shake it. I keep wondering why on earth she would want to sleep in a crib where she barely fits anymore. Then last night as I was craving my baby blanket it hit me, it's for security. That crib has been hers and only hers for 14 months now. No one else has ever laid their head on her pillow, slept on her sheets or cuddled with her blankets. We're still going to have her in that twin bed by the time Evie needs the crib but I figure we've got a few more months and I desperately need the sleep so I'm not going to fight it too hard, just lead her with a firm hand.

Neither is my pregnancy. I expected that I would be as big as a house by now. I expected that I would have a boy (I don't know why, I just did). I expected that I would deliver when she decided to come, naturally. I wasn't sure how I was going to take care of Addison being 6 months pregnant but you know what I'm doing it just like I did when I wasn't pregnant at all. I've kept myself in good shape during this pregnancy from chasing her around so I'm actually measuring spot on but losing weight. I won't be delivering when Evie decides but yet when the doctor decides. At first this bothered me but now I realize that having another 10 pound baby vaginally doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun so if I can spare myself that experience again, why not. This pregnancy is moving fast with little to no pain or problems. It's been a pleasant experience beyond the heartburn and I can take the heartburn!

Life threw Billy and I the biggest curve ball when he lost his job and Land O Lakes and we moved here to Iowa. We were starting to really plan how we were going to get into the Mahtomedi school district knowing that right now we can't afford a house there. We were trying to plan our lives based on this job Billy had. And then it was gone. I am so appreciative of life for throwing a job in Billy's lap, literally 6 days later, but I am still unsure why it had to be in Iowa. It changed my plans. Well, now our plan is a little different but we know that Iowa will not be our home forever. We'd still like to get closer to my parents and if that means we take a 5 to 8 year break in Iowa that's okay. We'll get to our plan, if life allows it.

So I guess on this Mother's Day weekend, I have Mother nature to thank for reminding me that life isn't supposed to be expected. It's the unexpected twists and turns that get us to where we are and create who we're going to be. I'm pretty thankful that all the things I've expected haven't happened, could you imagine how boring that would be. Bring it on snow, I've been unpacking my winter coats for you!

Decisons

I started reading this book last night called "Beautiful Boy" and it triggered something in me. It's about a family whose oldest son, Nic, is addicted to Meth and how it wrecks havoc on this family. It made me start thinking about life and how all the decisions we make are truly not just our own. I remember saying so many times to my parents that, "it's my life" and while that is true my decisions and actions still affect those around me who love and support me.

It was my decision to go to college and major in something that my parents knew I wasn't ready for. Pharmacy was a dream and I would have been good at it but let's get real here. Science and Math. Anyone who knows me knows that these two subjects ruined my GPA in high school. I am more of a English/Journalism type girl. My strengths lay in my ability to express myself through creative means not through "just believe me, the world is full of atoms" means. No matter how many times my parents tried to discretely ask me if I was sure about Pharmacy, I was going to do it. After I dropped out of school it affected my parents. My mom was worried about how depressed I had become while away. It affected their wallet when I lost the $3,500 they put into that semester of my education. A decision that they were supporting hurt them and while I've probably never really told them this, I felt worse for letting them down, hurting them and throwing away my college education.

Then there was the decision to move to Duluth. It was something that I think I had to do to prove to my parents they made the "worst decision ever" when they took me away from everything I knew, at age 8. I mean, really? Off to Duluth I went, job in hand but no money. By no money I mean I had $1,000+ in credit card debt and $50 bucks in my wallet! I worked hard, built a clientele and made good money for a 20 year old. I also spent good money for a 20 year old. I was constantly trying to figure out how I was going to pay all my bills without telling mom and dad that I was flat out broke. Things weren't adding up, even with a second job, so I finally came clean and moved home. Mom and dad had to co-sign on a loan for me that took me 5 years to pay off (just this Feb.) so that I could repair everything I ruined.

Now my decisions affect someone so much more important to the world then me, my children. Every decision I make directly or indirectly affects Addison and soon Evie. It actually puts a lot of pressure on me. I lose sleep over things I did or didn't do. I often question if I am doing the right thing, enough or too much. I wonder if it's my fault Addison isn't talking yet or what I did for her to have that constant diaper rash. Is my decision to not feed her only organic food or to let her try things on her own right or wrong. No matter who you ask they have a different opinion on whats good or bad, right or wrong or detrimental to children's health. It's a constant battle that I fight every day. I often ask Billy, "do you think she loves me?" and he often looks at me like I'm a fool and says, "um, yeah".

My personal decisions affect Addie more then what she's going to eat. I've thrown around working and not working. I've tried going to work only to think about her all day and wonder what she's doing, eating, playing, ect. I cry when she cries at drop-off and smile when she smiles at pick up but all day I long to be with her. When I'm at home I wonder if I should be working. I wonder if she is getting enough social interaction, alone time or learning. I wonder if the little income I did make while working was worth the time away because it made things a little easier. I wonder if I would make friends faster, be happier or feel like I was "worth" something. It seems as if whatever decisions I make that I know affect her are hard ones. I'll always question.

Life is full of decisions both hard and easy. I've made a lot of decisions along the way that have both positively and negatively affected my life but more importantly it's affected those who I love. I apologize to anyone I have hurt along the way with my decisions. It was not intentional or planned out. See, I've had other peoples decisions affect me too and I know it can hurt. I also know that hurting, loving and making hard decisions makes us grow as people. It's important. So I guess I'll keep losing sleep over why my 14 month old says one word and bangs her head on the bed rail when she's mad and keep making the decisions I am. After all, she's a pretty great girl.

Stay on track...

Thoughts for the day:

I know it's been a while. It's been hard for me to take a topic and actually stick on the subject lately. There is just so many different things going on right now in the world and I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. I blame a lot of it on being pregnant but after doing some research I've learned that there is no connection between forgetfulness and pregnancy. (That study must have been done by a man!)

It's been a long week. We are trying to get out of our lease in Mason City so our landlord is "trying" to sell it. Our neighbors are constantly causing trouble and our rent is way to much money. I love our house but I wish we would have looked a little longer when we first moved here. We felt like we were under such pressure to find a place to live and get moved in a week. Why, I'm not sure, but it's true. Anyway, we've been cleaning this house and trying to keep it that way with a 1 year old who likes to undo everything we redo. We've been up late into the night, well past 9:00, cleaning and organizing our stuff. Today is the last day of cleaning before the next big open house on Saturday and I'm praying (and would appreciate if you would too) that someone walks in here and falls in love with the place so I don't have to pay my greedy landlord another penny!

Besides that sleep has been a thing of the past lately. Okay, I'll admit that we've have it super easy with Addison. The girl started sleeping 6 hours at a time at 4 days old. Her first day home I woke her up every 3 hours to eat because the nurse told me I should! After I told my mom and she told me to let her sleep and see what happens. Well, my life then consisted of a full nights sleep. Lately, that isn't happening. I am not sure if it's that she realized she's in a big girl bed all of a sudden, if she is getting hungry in the middle of the night or if she is having night terrors. She wakes up screaming this bloody murder scared scream that literally shakes me to the bone. Normally she wants Billy to cuddle her and then she ends up falling asleep in our bed. Normally I'd be okay with this but I'm 6 months pregnant and have heartburn that is burning through my esophagus. When I do actually fall asleep it isn't the best sleep I've ever had.

Well, last night was no different. After tossing and turning while trying to sleep laying down I propped myself up with 9 pillows got comfy and tried to sleep sitting up. I watched 2 movies and a couple Real Housewives of New Jersey episodes (like mother like daughter, right) and was just starting to fall asleep when the whaling started from Addison's room. I woke up Billy and he went in there, picked her up and brought her into our room. She laid her head on my belly and Evie started kicking! It was an amazing moment, like Evie knew Addie was there with us, but I was so tired and all I wanted was some sleep! Finally, Addie and I both fell asleep (Bill never really "woke-up") to only be woken up 2 hours later by Billy's phone!! Needless to say, I'm tried.

I feel like this is God's way of preparing me for having two children. I've decided that I need to get used to having someone wake me up every 2 hours and needing me to sit up, love them, feed them and cuddle them back to sleep. Something I never got to do with Addie. I'm strangely looking forward to spending this time with Evie and hope that it causes us to bond. I'm a little nervous that Evie won't have the same relationship with me that Addison does because she's second. She's going to have to compete for my time and energy. I look forward to those alone moments with her.

I know I can't stay on subject. I know I can't remember what I went upstairs for. And I know I can't get more then 2 hours of sleep at a time. I guess your just going to have to do your best to follow my amazing ramblings until this baby comes out. Maybe then I'll get my brain back or more likely, I won't have a brain at all!