Lent: Spring Cleaning for my Soul

I love this time of year. Not March. Not the snow. Lent.

There is something about this season in the church that is remarkably real to me. It's a time of reflection. Spring cleaning for the soul. Every year the Lenten season brings me back to the things I need to change. The personal goals I need to set and reminding myself to trust in God a little bit more.

Lent reminds me that I can't be everything to everyone. That I need to give to myself so that I am able to give to my family. Adding Evie to the mix has only stretched out my gifts a little more. I find my breaking point is faster then ever and my temper seems to sneak out more than I am proud to admit. Addison is in a season of learning. Testing boundaries. Seeking independence. As a Christian mother I know that God is leading her. He is holding her hand and helping her through this journey yet I am not ready to let her grow. There are days where I want her to stop learning, stop growing and remain my little girl. During Lent it is my goal to trust that God knows where Addie's heart should go. So as she no longer wants to hold the hand that holds her back (mine) I need to remember that she is holding the hand of the Lord.

My goals for Lent this year are simple by words. Pray more. Listen better. Love Wholly.

By action I find these to, for some reason, be difficult tasks for me. I want to spend more time with God. I have decided that if I can find the time for blogging, facebook or sewing then I can find the time for God. To talk to Him. To tell Him my struggles and to thank Him for the good in my life. I've said before, when going through cancer, that I thought that just once God gave me more then I could handle and there are days I feel like he is testing that strength again. I need to trust in Him. Believe in Him. Get to know Him, again.

I want to listen better. Fully. Completely. To God. To my family. To my husband. I hear. I listen but I don't listen well. I am so preoccupied by the stuff in my life that I forget to listen. This became so clear to me when baby Evie was on the floor cooing. Addie kept asking me "what's that" and I just kept telling her I didn't know what she was asking me about. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Evie had rolled over. Evie had moved half way across the room while cooing and I didn't hear it. I wasn't paying attention to the little things. It makes me question how many times God has whispered my name, told me to listen or given instruction and I've not heard.

Lastly, to love wholly. My family is the single more important thing in this world. I cringe at the thought of losing my parents. The thought of them not being here someday makes me cry today. I will be ruined. A wreck. Heartbroken. Lost. They are my strength yet there are times I treat them like my enemy. I take them for granted. I want to love them wholly. I want them to know that I can't live without them. My husband. He is a great father and supporter. He has grown into a great man. Yet I fail to tell him this. I fail to point out all the things I love about him because I am too busy. So while our marriage works and we get by day to day we are not growing together in love. I want to give to him my whole heart each day. I want our love to show. My girls are amazing. They are the two people I can honestly say I wake up for each day and have already learned to love wholly. I hope that when they understand they know just how much I would do for them. I would give up everything for them to be happy. They are my world. Without them, I am nothing.

I love Lent. I love that it makes me rethink the things I am doing. It makes me find a peace within myself. It reminds me, if for one brief moment, even Jesus questioned his Father by asking, "Lord, why are you forsaking me?". And in those words I find comfort.