Don't Give Up, Just Give

Thoughts for today:

Well, here we are again at the end of Lent and I am reflecting back on the past 40 days. Every Lent we are asked to "give up" something, whether a behavior or a bad habit. One year I gave up Coke. Anyone who has known me for longer then 15 minutes knows that I love Coke. I crave it, I want it, I NEED to have it. Another year I gave up swearing which, really, wasn't very hard for me to do. This year I decided that I was going to give up eating out. I figured that not only would it be something hard for me to do, it would help out financially too. Well, that worked for all of two weeks until my mom and I traveled to Oklahoma. So when I got back I decided that this year I was going do to something a little different. I was going to give.

We don't, as I've mentioned before, have a lot of extra money but I do have time. I decided I was going to give to my family and to myself. That I was going to be present in the moment and learn to enjoy the little things. It was actually a lot harder than it sounds and if I had to give myself a grade it would be a C-.

Give: (n) to be present.
Give: (v) to grant or bestow by formal action

I did give. I've always by nature been a giver. I love to give presents, give time and give love but those are all the action of giving. How many times do we give without actually giving? I can think in the past 2 months of all the baby gifts I've given but I didn't feel present. See what I mean? My goal was to be present. To give (n).

So it started small with my daughter. I'd give to her. I'd play with her and instead of having the TV on in the back round, catching moments of Dr. Phil or Ellen, I'd turn it off and put on music. We'd dance and clap. She'd giggle and for the first time since that first giggle I melted. She thought I was so fun that she giggled. We'd read books together and have tea parties. We finger painted and learned new things. I really sat and watched her discover the world while I gave her my attention. I was present and it felt amazing.

Then I tried with my husband. This, honestly, is where it got hard. I'd listen to how many bushels of corn he sold or how many contracts he signed. I'd make dinner and try to enjoy eating together but that is where I failed. By the time Billy walked into the house at night I'd been giving my give all day. I was tired, I wanted to feed the baby and get her ready for bed so I could zone out. You see, that's what Billy and I do best. Feed Addie, love her up for a while, bath, bed and then we get to zone. One of us in front of the computer the other in front of the TV. Is this how your home is too?

The kids go do their homework or go to bed and you and your partner zone. You forget about the day, prepare for the next and forget to give. I'm not sure it's uncommon. I often call my mom (like 5 times a day, sue me) and her and my dad aren't giving to each other either. Dad is in the office playing solitaire on the computer and mom is reading or watching her 1000th DVR'ed episode of The Real Housewives of whatever region they are on. Dad's de-stressing from the day, Mom's zoning out on cheap entertainment. We all do it, but why?

Lastly, I started to give(n) to myself. I decided that I couldn't be present with my daughter or husband if I wasn't present with myself. Have you ever done this? If not, I encourage it. I learned a lot about what I need, want and expect. I learned that there are things I expect, especially out of Bill, that I just need to learn are unattainable, at least right now. There are things I need that I didn't know I was missing and of course, I want too much. For example: This move has been really hard on me, that's no secret. I miss my friends, the cities and being 2 hours away from my parents. I feel lonely here with no friends and it's not a place I really "fit in". When I actually became present with the situation I realized that I need my husband to support the difficulty I am having with move. I need to have a little more faith that it will all work out. I want to go back to Robbinsdale, my friends and my security and I expect that it'll all work out tomorrow. My needs, my wants and my expectations are all there and now that I understand them I've realized what I need to do. Keeping giving(v) while I give(n). The more present I am in the fact that I now live in Iowa, we aren't moving back to Robbinsdale and I'm not going to have best friends tomorrow the more I am going to be able to give this place a chance.

Lent is an amazing thing. It's a time of reflection. Jesus asks us to give of ourselves and He didn't mean just monetarily. He wants us to give (n) like he gave (v). He wants us to be in the moment, give up our life and love others. These past 25 days of lent have been eye-opening for me. I hope that I don't forget to keep giving once the idea of Lent has passed. I hope that Lent has caused you to reflect as well.