Three Years

Thoughts for the day:

It's been three years since I sat in that chair. Three years since I wore that hat. Three years since I wondered, "what if".It's been three years. It's been three years since that last hospital stay. Three years since the last ABVD. Three years since the cards and the cake. Three years.

Three years ago on Friday, April 13th I sat in that chair, wearing that hat, eating that cake and receiving my last dose of ABVD, chemotherapy. It's been 2 years 339 days since I heard the words, "you're cancer free". It's been three years, but whose counting?

This day has been special the last two years as well. A milestone if you will. I've received phone calls and flowers to celebrate how much closer I was getting to recovery. Complete recovery. There is something about being in remission. It's this weird place to be, in holding. Waiting for the days, months and years to pass to the day you can truly believe that you're no longer a cancer patient. It's something that most people don't know you think about but yet it's a little thought in the back of your head when the time for another scan comes up.

I don't think about being a cancer patient much anymore. I think about it when I see my scars or when I see the picture of me with my amazing medical team on my last day of chemotherapy. I think about it so little that sometimes I actually forget.

Then there is a harsh reminder that I went through the journey I did, first every 3 months then every six. Waiting for the results of a cancer screening is horribly painful, no matter how far out you are. I become introverted, scared, sad and very irritable during those few days. I know that no news is good news but not knowing wears on your emotions. There's that voice in the back of your head again, the one saying, what if?.

During the past three years I've thought, "it's back" when the pain in my back or chest returned. It seems as if in the beginning of recovery every ache and pain is a what if. Luckily, that feeling slowly subsides and you realize that you are only human and will have aches and pains!

I am one of the lucky ones who got to hear the word remission. I got my scans when scheduled, except with I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter, and waited for those results. I'm glad that God chose for me to go through this experience and feel these feeling. Why? Because today it's been three years.

The waiting, the wondering and the hoping is done. I am three years cancer free. I am cured.