Decisons

I started reading this book last night called "Beautiful Boy" and it triggered something in me. It's about a family whose oldest son, Nic, is addicted to Meth and how it wrecks havoc on this family. It made me start thinking about life and how all the decisions we make are truly not just our own. I remember saying so many times to my parents that, "it's my life" and while that is true my decisions and actions still affect those around me who love and support me.

It was my decision to go to college and major in something that my parents knew I wasn't ready for. Pharmacy was a dream and I would have been good at it but let's get real here. Science and Math. Anyone who knows me knows that these two subjects ruined my GPA in high school. I am more of a English/Journalism type girl. My strengths lay in my ability to express myself through creative means not through "just believe me, the world is full of atoms" means. No matter how many times my parents tried to discretely ask me if I was sure about Pharmacy, I was going to do it. After I dropped out of school it affected my parents. My mom was worried about how depressed I had become while away. It affected their wallet when I lost the $3,500 they put into that semester of my education. A decision that they were supporting hurt them and while I've probably never really told them this, I felt worse for letting them down, hurting them and throwing away my college education.

Then there was the decision to move to Duluth. It was something that I think I had to do to prove to my parents they made the "worst decision ever" when they took me away from everything I knew, at age 8. I mean, really? Off to Duluth I went, job in hand but no money. By no money I mean I had $1,000+ in credit card debt and $50 bucks in my wallet! I worked hard, built a clientele and made good money for a 20 year old. I also spent good money for a 20 year old. I was constantly trying to figure out how I was going to pay all my bills without telling mom and dad that I was flat out broke. Things weren't adding up, even with a second job, so I finally came clean and moved home. Mom and dad had to co-sign on a loan for me that took me 5 years to pay off (just this Feb.) so that I could repair everything I ruined.

Now my decisions affect someone so much more important to the world then me, my children. Every decision I make directly or indirectly affects Addison and soon Evie. It actually puts a lot of pressure on me. I lose sleep over things I did or didn't do. I often question if I am doing the right thing, enough or too much. I wonder if it's my fault Addison isn't talking yet or what I did for her to have that constant diaper rash. Is my decision to not feed her only organic food or to let her try things on her own right or wrong. No matter who you ask they have a different opinion on whats good or bad, right or wrong or detrimental to children's health. It's a constant battle that I fight every day. I often ask Billy, "do you think she loves me?" and he often looks at me like I'm a fool and says, "um, yeah".

My personal decisions affect Addie more then what she's going to eat. I've thrown around working and not working. I've tried going to work only to think about her all day and wonder what she's doing, eating, playing, ect. I cry when she cries at drop-off and smile when she smiles at pick up but all day I long to be with her. When I'm at home I wonder if I should be working. I wonder if she is getting enough social interaction, alone time or learning. I wonder if the little income I did make while working was worth the time away because it made things a little easier. I wonder if I would make friends faster, be happier or feel like I was "worth" something. It seems as if whatever decisions I make that I know affect her are hard ones. I'll always question.

Life is full of decisions both hard and easy. I've made a lot of decisions along the way that have both positively and negatively affected my life but more importantly it's affected those who I love. I apologize to anyone I have hurt along the way with my decisions. It was not intentional or planned out. See, I've had other peoples decisions affect me too and I know it can hurt. I also know that hurting, loving and making hard decisions makes us grow as people. It's important. So I guess I'll keep losing sleep over why my 14 month old says one word and bangs her head on the bed rail when she's mad and keep making the decisions I am. After all, she's a pretty great girl.