Getting Real with Me

It's days like today that remind me that I am human. Where raw emotion comes through and you remember what it's like to feel again. I had a plethora of emotions go through my body today. Fear. Sadness. Happiness. Honesty. It all felt so real for the first time in a while.

I decided that today was the day to get real with the fact that I am down right depressed. Not in a, whoa is me kinda a way, more in a I hate everything about my situation kinda way. It needs to change but I am at a loss as to what to do or where to start. I know that it's real emotion because I got real with me. I realized that trying to explain this to Billy was redundant and not getting me anywhere. He knows that I don't like where we live, he knows that I am lonely and he knows that I really miss life 8 months ago.

It all hit me when I was trying to make plans with my mom. I've been desperately needing her lately. I need her to hug me, to tell me it's going to be okay and to be there for me. Yet, in some weird way, I didn't want to tell her how I was feeling. She's got a lot going on right now and I didn't want her to worry about me too. Today I decided that I couldn't hold back anymore. I broke down, told her I've been really sad lately and I'm nervous that I'm pregnant and feeling this way. She reassured me that it's okay to feel this way. And that well it's true that I feel all those things because they are real I have to do something to change it.

My mom always reminds me that I have support. Although we may not always agree on everything she is always there to give me a hug, let me cry my tears and get me over my hump. She reminded me of the things I knew but couldn't remember. She told me the things I needed to hear but didn't want too. She was there, again.

It made me feel alive for the first time in a while feeling those emotions. I've been waking up, taking care of Addison, feeding my family and going to bed everyday for months now. I've been kissing owies, listening to work problems or successes and zoning out. I think I knew that I was sad so instead of dealing with it I dealt with everything else. Today, I had to face it head on and it felt so good. These feelings may not be desirable to deal with but they are real and like I've said before, I need to get real with me.